Calm Like A Bomb

I AM GOING TO SEE RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE TODAY! I wanted to save writing about it till tomorrow but I’m such a bundle of excitable energy right now that there is a small chance I may implode and create a small black hole. This would really upset my parents as they’ve only recently had some work done on the house. Knowing me, it wouldn’t be a very big black hole at all though and it’d probably just get rid of a sofa arm rest before the rest just got stuck on the edges and my parents would be left with a half floating, oddly angled sofa that no one could do anything about. Thinking about it, its really bloody selfish when people implode into tiny black holes. So….RATM! Why am I excited? Well I’ve only wanted to see the angry men live since the early 90’s, which I think makes me a proper fan of sorts. RATM has constantly been up there with my favourite music to get worked up too, along with DMX’s first album, LL Cool J’s ‘Mama Said Knock You Out’ and almost anything by Onyx. There are others, but those are the best to get all angry to. I like to think that were I ever about to engage in some sort of intergalactic battle on a deserted alien landscape, I’d do so with RATM playing really loudly as my backing music. You have to think about these sorts of things you see? Just incase they do happen. The rest of you unprepared souls would be sitting there with your space faces on, about to leap off your space type jet into alien war and the captain would say unless you have something you’d like to listen to, we’ll play this bit of Coldplay, ok? And you’d panic and wouldn’t have anything ready, then as that whiny twat starts going on about ‘you’ve tried your best but you won’t succeed’, you’d get your face bitten off by a big slimy monster thing. Sorry. I am far too excited today.

Essentially tonight may go wrong. I mean, ultimately, I’m not the sort of person who should go to a RATM gig. I would die in a mosh pit, if I got showered by a bottle of someone else’s lobbed piss I would cry and if I jump up and down too much I get a bit dizzy. I’m slightly worried there will be a fairground ride height chart as I walk in and they’ll line me up against it and tell me I can’t go in as it’s too dangerous for someone this small. Everyone who’s a proper Rage fan with angry type metal tshirts and a look as though they could punch the head off a cow in one go, would scowl at me as I held up the queue only for security to call my mum to come and collect me. Of course in my head, nothing like that will happen. What is more likely is that De La Rocha will invite me personally on stage where I will stage dive during ‘People Of The Sun’ and be carried all the way from Finsbury Park to Land’s End where I’ll be helicoptered back to the stage to do it all again. I will then complain as I will have missed most of RATM’s set.

Sorry, I’m not sure what’s happened to my imagination today. I think it is combination of anticipation for this eve and the overly muggy weather. It makes me a feel a bit delirious. I honestly don’t know how people in much hotter countries aren’t just bonkers all the time. At last night’s gig the crowd were overly hot and it made them both hugely apathetic towards me and at the same time, a little bit mad. I like mad audiences, but not when they are so groggy they can only mumble their lunacy at you. Ultimately it meant I would just keep having to ask them to repeat whatever they said at which point they’d just go quiet, not respond and I would look unprepared. It didn’t help that the stage was nearly as tall as me, which made me often feel like at any moment I could fall off and crush the people directly below, but also as though I was an oppressive shouty giant. Stage’s should never be so high up that your comedy becomes more like delivering a sermon than gags. Saying that, I didn’t have to deliver a sermon, but sometimes I feel you have to adapt to the gig.

I’ve got several hours till RATM will be on, so this afternoon will be spent playing their albums very loud and shouting at anything that moves. It should get me in the mood very well. I’m still not sure whether I should wear my most rock type clothes (ie jeans and a black t-shirt) or not (ie jeans and any other colour tshirt). Ultimately I suppose at least black tshirts don’t look as bad when you get soaked with a flying bottle of someone else’s piss. Let’s go kill some aliens! Or something.