Misery Fuel

I genuinely thought I’d already blogged today but it appears I definitely haven’t. Its slightly worrying that I thought that, and is a further step in me wondering if my brain is steadily giving up. Last night at Old Rope, at the end of the gig, I forgot who had been on, and forgot acts names. Then I said hello to someone who I’m fairly sure I don’t know, and they will now surely write on my Chortle wall that I’m clearly a loon. So now I couldn’t remember if I’d blogged already today or not and if I wet myself this afternoon I’m going to seek professional care. Of course if my brain really was really giving up, I probably wouldn’t know it was giving up and thus the catch 22 of the situation renders me probably safe. Unless its decided to stop in a truly cruel way whereby it wants me to notice my furthering mental issues, which is possible. I’ve put it through rather a lot in the last 29 years of my life. I can only assume that it, much like every thing else in the world, would like a break now. Not that its been used for good thinking. No. I bet Einstein’s brain would never want a day off as it was doing groundbreaking stuff. Mine however, has been put through rigorous amounts of thought that will never amount to anything or ever really help life in anyway. For example today started with Star Wars puns, because it is Star Wars Day (May The Fourth Be With You), and then went into 10 mins of pondering just how long I could grow my toenails until I could sharpen them like weapons and kick people to death like a foot soldier. Not the nicest of thoughts, admittedly, but I concluded it would take at least 5 to 6 years before they were really of katana blade standard, and by that point I would have ruined a lot of socks and shoes and killed several low ground mammals. That’s not really the sort of thought I think my brain wants to be having, and that’s why it had told me I’d already blogged today, in order to make sure I don’t repeat the toe-tal carnage explanation all over again. That’s what I’d call myself for a superhero name. Toe-tal Carnage. I’d have catchphrases like ‘Let’s get to the foot of this crime!’ I’ll stop now before my cerebral cortex explodes itself.

I am mostly writing my Edinburgh show today. I say ‘mostly’ but so far I went for a run, which was good in that I really really didn’t want to, but I did anyway, but bad in that everything hurts, my face won’t stop being red and I’m sure the more I wear shorts the more people of Finsbury Park will rally to keep me in my home till I cover up. After the run its been emails, eating, watching vids on youtube, checking BBC news to see which MP has fucked what stuff up today and procrastinating to the highest accord. Thing is, I have my solo shows at the Brighton Fringe this Thursday and Friday. I’ve got some of my show, but also it is going to be election night and I have a feeling that I may want to spend some of my show talking about it all. So do I spend the day writing my Edinburgh show or writing more about current affairs? If I write topical/political stuff, chances are it won’t be very topical or political, but also, it’ll be useless in a few months time and not usable for Edinburgh. There is part of me, that while for the sake of the country I pray it really really doesn’t happen, that hopes the Tories get in just so joke writing will be easier for a while. I mean, the US had Bush for years which meant all the comedians didn’t really have to write much for ages. Then they got Obama and now they actually have to remember how to do jokes again. In the UK the 80s comedians had a field day with Thatcher and we’ve trudged through the 90s and 00’s with a decent bit on terrorism and illegal wars, but now its all sort of simmered down. Cameron will run this country into the ground so well that there will be minefields of humour for us to take from it. I’ll be able to spend most of the day in bed then at night spout about his increasingly poor decisions, the high rate of unemployment, the privatising of public resources and the rich/poor divide getting ever wider, and it’ll be easy. Sure everyone will be miserable, but then they’ll need comedy even more. Boo, yet hooray. But probably just boo.

Its worrying when you think that in a way, we comedians need things to go a bit tits up to make our jobs easier. The ash volcano was a blessing, as have been any bombings, attacks, wars, recessions. You name it, its fuels us like misery coal to our funny engine. I hope you don’t vote for Tory, because if you do, you’re probably a complete idiot. But if you are a Tory voter, haven’t read through their manifesto, can’t see the way in which they are controlling all the media, or ultimately want your extra £1 million inheritance tax for yourself, then let me thank you for trying to provide me and the comedy circuit with enough easy gags for at least 12 months. Oh and out of interest, if you haven’t noticed how the media are totally Tory owned at the mo, perhaps have a look at this blog sent to me yesterday from @IssacGreaves:


Terrifying huh? Yep indeedy. As is the way Brown’s actually very good speech from the Citizen’s UK assembly yesterday wasn’t shown on the news at all. I’m starting to wonder what else is being covered up and how soon it’ll be before I have to start shouting ‘Solent Green is people’ a lot. Of course you’re all grown ups, you can all make your own decisions. Except for the ones who are children, or pets. We should so give pets the vote.

Phew. This blog wasn’t meant to happen like that. I was going to complain about boring things like the weather (why is it cold in May? Why? WHY?), that I’ve heard of two other Tiernans today and the fact that Fat Tuesday is sold out tonight because we are awesome. That last bit is merely blowing my own trumpet to be fair. I can’t actually play the trumpet due to lack of musical skills so it would just make that awkward raspberry noise and people would look at me discerningly. Probably for the best I didn’t then.