Yesterday, in Longleat, whilst sitting on the Lady Bath boat and gently chugging along the Longleat lake, we spotted Nico the sad gorilla. He was sad, the tour guide told us, because his partner Samba, died a few months back and he is too old for them to pair him up with another gorilla. He would feel intimidated and possibly die younger than he should because of the consequences of such a change in his world. So instead he is forced to live alone, on an island in the middle of a lake, with six over zealous sea lions regularly honking at him, and boatloads of tourists chugging past staring into his sunken pathos filled eyes. It was, quite possibly, the saddest the ape I’ve ever seen and my heart went out to poor lonely Nico. Then we found out he has his own hut with a 42″ plasma screen TV and Sky + where he sits and watches kids TV all day when its not nice outside, and suddenly while he sat there chomping an entire bunch of grapes, I realised his life was a damn site better than mine. I don’t have a 42″ screen TV. Layla said if we got one that size it would engulf the living room. Of course it would. That’s why I wanted one. I don’t have Sky+. If I want to see a TV show I’ve missed I have to find inventive ways of catching it again, like iPlayer, illegally downloading it or cutting bits out of a cardboard box and re-enacting it while I play all the parts. I don’t get fed fruit for free! MY LIFE IS NOT AS GOOD AS A GORILLA’S!
I started to notice a pattern as we went round Longleat. Lions just chilling in the sun, being brought their food so they don’t even have to bother hunting for it. Even if they did, they could just give up and eat one of the idiots who hadn’t closed their car door windows despite being asked. Then there were the parrots who were being given treats for riding around on a scooter. I can ride a scooter. WHERE ARE MY TREATS? I’ve decided that the only way around this is to go and live on the Longleat Safari Park. I reckon they get me a special enclosure with my own big telly and Sky+, they throw food at me three times a day and people would be more than welcome to drive past and take pictures. I wouldn’t care, as I’d clearly be living the life. All tourists would get their Longleat CD narrated by Kate Humble and there would be an extra track where she explains I am mostly found in North London, or comedy clubs around the UK. She could explain how I am vegetarian, with a fondness for sweets and those little packs of artichoke hearts you get in Sainbury’s. People could be given buckets of Kellogs Variety packs to throw at me as they went past, as long as they washed their hands afterwards.
Longleat is pretty brilliant. If you haven’t been, you should go as yesterday I got to see lions and tigers and wolves and rhinos and a really really big tortoise and pygmy goats and wallabies and have some chips and go on a boat and hold a snake and go in a scary big house. Yeah! It was the bestest day ever. I must stop blogging now as I have to leave our hotel room and go to Wales. I bet Nico doesn’t have to do that.