Remaking Do

In about 15 minutes time I will embark on spending most of the rest of today in a hot car. I will be driving said hot car, I won’t just be sitting in it in a pathetic David Blaine like stunt. Admittedly, most of his stunts are pathetic but at least there is a possibility of him dying. Whereas sitting in a hot car, while it may kill a dog, at most, it will probably just make me lose a stone in weight. Thinking about it, perhaps I should sit in a hot car more often. I am going to be in the hot car for about four and half hours today, then do a gig, sleep and then be in the hot car for four and half hours tomorrow, come home then get back in my car for at least another hour and half and do another gig. None of this is either very interesting or very surprising to anyone who understands how comedy works. Sure, they say, its all about ‘the timing’. Or perhaps even ‘being funny’ or something. But anyone who really really knows about comedy, will know that its all about sitting in a hot car for so long you begin to question your own existence and start to have sympathy for sardines. Admittedly sardines are dead when they get stuck in a tin. They also don’t have to drive that tin, do a gig, then get back in the tin and drive it home. If they did, I daresay sardines would be a lot more expensive. Not that I know how much they cost as I am a vegetarian (a proper non eating fish one) and so don’t buy sardines. Alright?

That wasn’t what I wanted to talk about today anyway. Last night I saw that my friend Mat had complained on Twitter that the Ricky Gervais show was just animated versions of the Rick Gervais podcast and that angered him. I partly agreed. In a sense that is hugely lazy television, where instead of repeating something in a slightly different format that many Gervais fans will have already heard, they could have put a whole new program on, featuring new comedy talent. Chances are they wouldn’t have done, and the slot would have been filled with something else far worse and everyone would have got even more angry, as that is television’s job. One day TV will have angered everyone with its sheer lack of quality and we will all submit to watching it without complaining (as many do already), at which point it will show only really high quality programs so we complain that we have to think. If telly was your friend, it’d be the friend that shaved off your eyebrows when you were asleep just for ‘a laugh’, knowing full well it would just make everyone think it was a prime twat. So, the only reason I only partly agree with Mat is that at least this podcast hasn’t been done in a telly format before, and Gervais has also commented on how ridiculous it is that he is getting paid for something that has already been in 2 different formats. Not that he’s complaining, the rich bastard.

What I am far more annoyed about are all the programs and films that have been made before, but for some reason, are being remade. I watched the Prisoner remake earlier this week, and it wasn’t bad. Great cast of Jim Caviezel, Ian McKellen and Jane Ayre (don’t know her real name. Yes I could google it, but I prefer to pretend she is Jane Ayre), and the set and graphics are ace, especially as Rover now looks real rather than an angry beach ball. But, and this is a big but, there WAS NO NEED TO MAKE IT. That’s it. No need to make it whatsoever. The original Prisoner was amazing. Admittedly I don’t remember it properly as I’ve only seen repeats many years ago, but I remember thinking it was incredible and reading about it and other people’s views, it was incredible. They’ve released it all souped up on Blu-Ray and I very much want to get it. So if the original was that brilliant, and they can make it look shiny and new, why make an entirely shiny new version that will be good, but not as good? There is no reason. Like there is no reason to bring out an A Team film, no reason to have remade Clash of the Titans, no reason to remake Arthur with Russell Brand, no need to redo V and definitely no reason at all to remake Nightmare on Elm Street. Arguably, there was no reason to make the original Nightmare on Elm Street. Sorry Freddie fans, but it was toss. If he can only get you in your sleep just drink Red Bull and fucking deal with it.

Surely people are still having ideas in the world? I have loads, all the time. Some are terrible like my idea about a film called Horses For Courses, but then some movies are terrible. But at least they are terrible new movies rather than remade terrible old films. I also have some great ideas like Horses For Courses 2: Ponies For Homies, and so I’m sure other people must be having great new ideas too. What scares me, is that there must come a point where all the films ever will be remade and then they’ll have to remake the remakes, until eventually, like Chinese whispers, every film becomes a a horrible pastel version of what it originally was. Like the Get Carter remake which managed to keep the name of the original but somehow forget everything else about it that made it good and instead a production company just vomited over a script and let Stallone dance on the vomit. Its happening with music too. Too many covers around instead of new songs, as though songwriting is an age old concept that has died out over the years. I like covers, especially when its cold and sheets aren’t good enough. But do we really need to hear a bland idiot sing a song a bland idiot had only sung a year ago?

All I’m saying ladeez and gentlefolk, is can we have a little originality up in this motherfrikkin hizzouse? Or something like that. And if you are from a telly company and are about to remake Tony Danza’s ‘Who’s The Boss?’ or have a script from someone who has remade the Bill to start as soon as the cancelled series ends, or if you are a film company want to remake Bad Boys with Usher and Will Smith’s son, then please think again. Get your phone, call me, and we’ll discuss Horses For Courses 3: A Camel For Rommel.

Not a hilarious blog today, but I think you’ll find its true. All of it. If none of you agree, I’m going to cut and paste this blog into every blog for the rest of the year till you concede. In fact, I may do that anyway, as it saves a lot of thinking, and effort and care. Oh wait. Oh that’s why they do it. I see. Right. I’m off to go sit in a hot car.