Green Witch

Its another nice day today. At some point this will have to stop otherwise the general British public will start to cheer up, the entire pessimistic ethos of the UK will disappear and then no one will want stand-up comedy. Or, more likely, just as we’ve got used to the weather being all lovely, it will start being rainy and then we’ll all feel sad again, but even more so as we’ve seen what sunshine actually looks like now, so we know what we’re missing. That’s generally what actually happens. I am bloomin’ loving the sunshine. However I am not bloomin’ loving the bloomin’ that accompanies it. Yesterday twinges of hayfever appeared. Just small ones. The odd succession of four sneezes in a row. Occasionally itchy eyes. Its all slowly slowly building up until the pollen gets all its troops together to blitz my skull until I’m a sneezy itching mess just as its really nice enough to sit in the park all day long.

The worst thing about getting twinges of hayfever yesterday is that I wasn’t even particularly near any pollen. I was in Greenwich as part of another organised ramble by Helen Arney. I’m liking these organised rambles. So far I’ve only been on two and yesterday’s wasn’t really a ‘ramble’, more a walk with some food at the start and a milkshake at the end. Still, I now consider myself to be a rambling expert and fully intend to buy some tweed, a flat cap and a walking stick for our next excursion. Walking’s pretty damn good I think. I walk a fair bit and normally its just to places I know or have to go. Turns out, that is nowhere near as fun as walking places you don’t know and are a bit interesting. That is definitely my favourite type of walking. That or Christopher. Arf. Yesterday’s trip to Greenwich meant I saw/did these exciting things:

– A cul-de-sac with a road sign saying ‘cul-de-sac’. We have now officially run out of street names.

– A yacht on the Thames. I couldn’t help but think it was hugely misplaced.

– I walked near the Greenwich meridian line dividing the Western and Eastern hemispheres, but then I remembered I was Westside fo’ever thugs, so I didn’t cross it.

– I had a milkshake that made me feel weird. I assumed it had given me high blood sugars but actually it oddly gave me low blood sugars. I hereby class it as a milkfake.

– A sign saying people are not allowed to walk more than 4 dogs at any one time. The 101 Dalmation owners were gutted.

– I saw a prison tree. It was broken. This means all the criminal woodland elves are probably now free and dangerous.

– A shop called ‘Perfect Women Ltd’. If you are lonely, single and male I suggest you pop in.

– A sign that said ‘Audio Guide Returns’. I haven’t seen the first film so I will avoid that one.

– A man with an intriguing face. He looked as though someone had taken Glenn Wool’s head and shrunk it.

– A new building development that was inspired ‘by dance’. I can only assume it might break at any point.

I’m sure there was more, but overall it was much fun indeed. I’d never really been to Greenwich before, and it turns out its quite nice. Well done you. You should all non-ramble too.

Right, quick bit of self-promotion before I forget:

This next Monday if you are in the London-wards:


And this in a few weeks if you are in Brighton:



Be at all of them. Thanks.