Willing Agoraphobe

Its a Friday, its raining, there is very little want to do anything at all. Unfortunately today is the day I start regularly gigging again. Its odd. I should be excited and looking forward to it all but I think I have managed to become some sort of wiling agrophobic. Here are the facts: My flat is warm; I can wear pajamas around my flat without people looking at me weirdly; there is an Xbox in my flat. Then I compare this to any gigs, but most importantly, the one I have to do tonight and it doesn’t really bare up: The gig might not be warm; If I wear my pajamas to the gig people will probably think I’m weird; the gig will not have an Xbox in it. Essentially it gives me very little reason to want to do the gig.

More importantly than any of these, I feel pretty rusty. I’ve only had 6 gigs since Christmas and I was able to do at least 5 minutes on the snow for each of those. Now it’s not snowing anymore, what on earth am I going to talk about? Should probably watch the news or write some jokes I guess. Dear oh dear its all so very stressful isn’t it? No, no its not. I am just massively lazy at the moment. Tonight’s show is in Kings Lynn, which isn’t that far away but is far enough to be annoying to drive to on a Friday. I think that’s part of my resentment for having to leave my flat. Its not just going to a gig, its throwing myself headfirst in the shitstorm that is Friday night traffic. Everyone is so eager to get home that they make it take longer to get home. One day people will work it out and they’ll all just stay at work for hours and hours so that I can drive to my gigs on clear roads. Not that I’m being selfish or anything. But I am being selfish.

Only a few hours till I have to leave and this time today shall be spent working, once again, on sponsorship letters for Edinburgh festival funding. I have to decide within the next four weeks, whether or not I’m doing another show at the fringe. Here’s the cut. I want to do a show. I really really do and I’ve started writing it and everything. However, unless about £7k falls out of the sky and into my lap, I actually can’t do a show. So I’m going to write to lots of rich people. I’ve tried sponsorship letters before but to companies and not to rich folk, so I’m not sure how to do it. I’m tempted to just write ‘Oi, you’ve got so much dosh you could sneeze £7k my way and not notice so sort it out yeah?’ but they might think I’m a ruffian. Instead I’m going to try and be charming and write nice things. Failing that I will cut lots of letters of newspapers, stick them into sentences with my blood and threaten their family.

Other possible options include kidnapping someone and demanding a ransom, robbing a bank or selling everything someone else owns. I like this last option. My only issue with it is that I have to get all of someone else’s stuff without them noticing, and then not be around at all after I sell it. What if I choose someone who only has crap stuff? So many issues. So little time. If any of you have any actual good ideas as to how I can go to Edinburgh this year, then please let me know.

As its Friday I feel I should shamelessly promote somethings. I know many of you will re-read that wondering just where the link between those two things is. Is it some ancient self-promotion Friday tradition? Will it help us towards the weekend seeing you shamelessly self promote? Neither of those. I’m just doing it because I’m hella cool. Basically, whether I’m Edinburghing or not, I’m writing a new show and I’m doing previews of it at several festivals in the next few months. So here’s the details of those:

Leicester Comedy Festival – Feb 21st, 7pm at Bowies

Glasgow Comedy Festival – March 13th, 8.30pm at The Buff Club

And I’ll be at the Brighton Fringe Festival too on 6th and 7th of May. Details of that to follow soon.

Lastly, watch this. Its clearly going to be the comedy film of the year. I heart Chris Morris: