St Androoos Day

Happy Saint Andrews Day for any of you Scotch people what read this. Or if you are Scottish then it called St Androoos Day, I believe. I’m not really sure what St Andrew was famous for, apart from at some point being a fisherman. Technically if that’s all he’s famous for then I would suggest we have a St Captain Birdseye day as well, although that would probably be a bit creepy and involve kids going missing. Apparently St Andrew also got crucified but not with nails, as he didn’t believe to be worthy of being crucified in the same way as Jesus. Instead they just tied him to the cross with rope. Now, if you ask me, it doesn’t sound anywhere near as bad and if anything, he should have had something worse than Jesus if he didn’t feel worthy not better. Like perhaps he should’ve been nail gunned to the cross? Or attached using swordfish. Something like that. I can’t help but think St Andrew gave it all that ‘I’m not worthy of nails’ knowing full well he’d get a much better deal than Jesus did. If that is the case then I would fully accept that he gets Patron Saintage for such efforts. More deviancy in the Bible please. Lets uncover that St George did benefit fraud and step it up a level.

Its not a day off for me today. Not that it would be as I don’t live in Scotland nor am I remotely Scottish. But still I will use this as a pretense to complain about all the things I have to do. The main and most scary thing is that I am doing my solo show 28 Years Later tonight for what will be the penultimate time. I’m both really looking forward to it, and slightly terrified as I haven’t done the show since August 24th, which was quite some time ago. Look on a calendar. See? I win. I’m pretty sure its all in my head, having gone through it a few times, but I’m worried I’ll miss out on the little things that made it good. Certain looks, or expressions that I have forgotten I did. I could remedy this by listening to the audio recording I have of it but that would mean listening to my own voice, and I really hate listening to my own voice. I always have. Its because no matter how you think your voice sounds, when you play it back, its a lot squeakier and more pathetic than you thought. I like to assume that I sound a bit like a giant trapped in a short man’s body and that when I talk the tremors cause snakes to travel for miles looking for the source of the earthquake and dogs to howl in fear. Instead, when I hear it back on a tape it sounds as though Orville the Duck has sucked on helium and is entering a competition for ‘Most Weedy Uk’ which is weedy in terms of physique rather than what you might have thought. I will do it though. I will brave the playback, hear me say certain jokes wrongly and criticise all the things I do, and then go out tonight and do it exactly the same. For anyone who may be coming along tonight, I might be adding some new bits too, so it should be much fun, and Caroline Mabey’s show is on before me and I’ve heard its superb and am very much looking forward to it. See here for info:

Not much else to blog today for I have things to do. I did however watch The Snowman with Layla last night as she is going to make her class do Snowman type stuff for their Christmas show. I still love the film even though I find as I get older I can’t help but unnecessarily question bits of it. Such as why doesn’t the little boy get frostbite in Lapland with only his PJS on? Why doesn’t the snowman melt at all when indoors in a warm temperature? How come the parents don’t wake up with all the noise? Why on earth is no one scared that a big fucking snowman has come alive and is stealing people’s motorbikes? Mostly though its faultless. After Layla went to bed, I watched through the DVD extras that I’d never seen before, and amongst them was the most terrifying alternative introduction to the Snowman I’d ever seen. When the show was sent to America, they demanded an intro by someone famous. So here’s what they got:

Both wrong and yet would explain many things about both Bowie and the plausibility of the actual story.