Not Chortling

This is a ranty, bitter blog. So sorry in advance. It is entirely my fault that its ranty and bitter and entirely to do with getting home last night, after having a couple of drinks, and then googling myself. Its something you’re not meant to do and certain stronger willed comics say they never have done and never will. I don’t believe them. Curiosity and constant need for attention are both driving factors of being a comedian – its that and a degree of mental illness. Some people have 360 degrees of this – and so both of those combined often let me find myself typing my name into the search engine to see what might come up. Yesterday was, almost in its entirity, a very good day until I’d done this. Fat Tuesday was brilliant again, with awesome sets from James Sherwood, Ava Vidal and Mark Watson, and I had some odd bits of good news about various things in the afternoon. Had someone played some whimsical music I may well have walked along a bit of road and clicked my heels whilst whistling. It was that sort of a pleasant Tuesday. Then I did the stupid google deed and it made the day shit. The shitness was caused by a new comment on my page by a man who happened to be in the crowd at the Jim Jeffries gig in Coventry last week. The gig I wrote about here:

It made me remember why people shouldn’t be allowed to comment on such things. I have a feeling that were Adam Twomey to have stood infront of the same crowd on Friday, I can’t imagine he’d have enjoyed it either. Now I’m not 100% sure that his comment is meant entirely maliciously, but even if it isn’t, it will now be online for ever and that will be seen by everyone. Its always the shit gigs. I would say that on average I now have about 29 good gigs to 1 bad/ok gig. I’m sure there is a clever mathematical thing you could do with that so that people understand it better, but last night I struggled to add 6 to 56, and realised there is a reason I didn’t have a career as an accountant. Actually there are about 40 reasons I didn’t have a career as an accountant ranging from ‘I’ve never applied for a job as an accountant’ all the way to ‘backwards accountant spells tnatnuocca which is a word I don’t like’, but I won’t bore you with these now. What I was trying to say is, if people leave a gig having had a great time, often they don’t feel the need to blab about it online. Whereas sadly it appears the opposite is true of a bad gig. Its amazing how much people like to complain and my Chortle page has a myriad of comments from those that haven’t enjoyed what I’ve done. They are nearly all, also, from gigs where some varient of the gig has gone horribly wrong beyond my control. The Coventry one has already been described in Saturday’s blog so we won’t return to that. But here go all the others on my Chortle comments page that were less than nice:

Michael Monkhouse’s comment – This was part of a larger review he wrote on the Channel 4Laughs website, which overall said very nice things. He sent me a comment saying he was sorry he couldn’t fit it all on Chortle comments. I said not to worry, then I looked at the comments and realised he really should’ve been more selective what he’d put up there. When Nice Things Go Bad. Grrrr.

Colin – This was a gig in Hereford where due to the violent storms that day I drove myself and Martin Davis for 5 and half hours straight from London. I didn’t stop once, for drinks or toilet or nuffink. When I arrived at the gig I felt a little bit sick and knackered and had two minutes to have a pee and a sip of water before walking straight onto the stage. To make it worse the crowd were heckly and shouty and all I really wanted to do was have a lie down. Colin was not wrong, I didn’t ever get into my stride, but thats because I left my stride somewhere back on the motorway several hours before. Nervous however is wrong. I honestly couldn’t have given a fuck.

Joe – Joe is right. That gig, I was massively shit. Boo and hiss.

Clara – This was quite some time ago now, but that gig sticks in my head as I got stuck in traffic at the Blackwall tunnel for over 3 hours due to an accident. I called ahead and apologised profusely, which I also did onstage as soon as I got there. From that point on, the gig was really fun and I had a great night. Clara obviously has an issue with punctuality.

Chas – probably right. I really can’t remember what that was from. Still I had only just started out then so quite likely I was crap. Then again, he is called Chas. I only know one nice Chas and I’ve met two crap Chas’s, so odds are against this one.

My Chortle review itself was done at a new material night, not long into my career. There were only 12 people in the audience and as I walked onstage I stated that a) I was a bit hungover and b) it was all new material I was doing for the first time. Consequently, after the review came out, I never did any of that material again. I am quite open to criticism and I fully accept most of it, but I remember Frank Skinner saying at the last Chortle awards that before the internet, a bad review would last a day in the papers, to then never reappear again, except maybe to be wrapped around some fish and chips. Whereas now, a bad review is there in the webspace for ever and ever. Thanks technology. Fucking thanks.

Right, rant over. Much apologies to readers who hope for some daily whimsy. I suggest going back and reading yesterdays again. Or come along to my gig tonight where I will be trying some stuff I did last night about an underwater census. Tonight’s gig is in Leeds in a place called Chapel Allerton, which sounds like a warning system in place should large church buildings ever attack. ‘They are coming! Switch the Chapel Allert on!’ Yes, I will start with that gag. Yes, I will no doubt get another nasty comment on Chortle tomorrow.