Under The Sea

Its a Monday, so have this:

I did that ages ago but haven’t ever bothered to do more. At some point I will draw out the others ones I’ve written including the one where he tries to get cancer from a photocopier just to end the torment of his daily life. Is it obvious I did that when I had a day job?

Not a long blog today as its my day. I’m going to have such a day off as its my first proper one in ages. I’m aiming to not even leave me flat no matter the circumstances. If someone sets fire to my flat, and a fireman arrives to drag me out of the burning mayhem, I will punch his yellow helmeted head till he lets me stay in bed. Even if my bed is on fire. That is how much I don’t want to leave my flat today. And I have no need to leave it anyway. Unless someone sets it on fire. Or fills it with beetles. Or replaces all the walls with poison. Hopefully none of those things will happen.

I had a fairly lazy day yesterday, up until I went to do a bit on Talksport radio at midnight with Ian Collins. I was looking forward to it but resented the fact that it meant I had to get dressed to go out and I was tempted to turn up in my PJs and dressing gown. Then I got the fear they would have a webcam. They didn’t, but you never know with radio stations these days. It must really irritate radio presenters that because of webcams they can’t do the radio wearing a gorilla suit or just completely naked. That’s all they used to wear when doing radio in the 70’s and 80’s apparently. That was until the case of the nakedgorillasuitgate when Dave Lee Travis had forgotten that a family had won a trip to the live studio show that day and there he was with his dong out and a gorilla mask on, infront of a family of four. Probably. The radio was much fun in the end, which was great as I had been a tad worried. Not about doing radio in general, I enjoy that. I like the fact that the audience aren’t there in front of you so you can pull ‘unuh’ faces everytime they call in or send an email. I do that constantly. But I was worried because by the sounds of the bit of show before me, I would have had to have been making ‘unuh’ faces a lot, to the point where the producers were calling an ambulance just incase I was having facial seizures. They were on the subject of fox hunting due to the Tories stating they want to get rid of the Hunting Act as soon as possible. This led to a plethora of calls from idiots calling foxes terms such as ‘indiscriminate killing machines’. I have never heard a fox be described as this before and I must have missed the bit of Fantastic Mr Fox where he pulls out an uzi and guns down the farmer and all his children before rampaging through the countryside in a tank destroying all semblance of life. I have to admit that would be an awesome film. I’m suggesting that happens in the sequel Bombtastic Mr Fox You Fox Faces! or something like that. I’d love to see an hour and a half of an animated fox attaching C4 to the very rich.

Luckily I didn’t have to speak to any morons about some toffs senselessly killing animals in a barbaric way because they are bored with incest and setting fire to poor people. Instead we talked about many fun things and at some point, for those that care, the whole thing will be up on my website very soon. Till then I wanted to talk about one of the items I didn’t have time for on the show. I had to pick four stories from the paper to discuss and this by far was my favourite:


Firstly, how on earth did they do an ocean census? How could a creature with only one eye and two ear like fins fill in a long form like a census? I’ve done one before, they take ages and you definitely need opposable thumbs. What questions did it ask? ‘Are you a) a fish, b) a whale, c) something really horrible that looks like its out of Doctor Who and may eat my face?’ To find over 17,000 is phenomenal, and they say 17,000 is the manageable number, but if they were to actually calculate it would be hundreds more. Its amazing to think that there is still all that undiscovered territory on our planet. It also makes me never want to go into the sea again. I don’t care how cute they try and make these things by calling one of them a ‘Jumbo Dumbo’. If they had replaced the Disney elephant with that, it wouldn’t have been a hit kids film. Admittedly, the whole film would’ve been spent just showing a picture of an indeterminate jelly like blob on the circus floor while the crows contemplate whether to eat it or not. I find all those weird animals absolutely terrifying. I spent ages watching the Blue Planet, one of my favourite shows ever, but only because I pretended it was science fiction. Fish with teeth? Fish with their own electricity from out of their heads? If I lived in Cumbria right now I’d be worried it was some sort of planned attack from these devil fish to take over the area. Its only a matter of time people. Saying that, as well as the horrors of things like a sea cucumber – essentially a mouth attached to an arse – there were also some genius fish things like the Gigantus Suborus. That may not be its name and I can’t find it by typing it into google, but that’s what I remember it to be called, so that’s its name. As far as I’m concerned it is the most pitiful creature in the world and I applaud its existence. Completely round and with nothing to weigh it down, it only has stupidly tiny fins. This means that it is unable to propel itself in any one direction and just aimlessly spins around in circles, moving wherever the current will take it. Usually it takes it directly into the mouth of something bigger. This creature has no reason to exist other than to prove the futility of life. If you are having a shitty Monday, just remember the Gigantus Suborus has a shittier Monday.

Read the comments below that Times article to have a glimpse at some of the people I class lower on the scale of things than a Gigantus Suborus in terms of usefulness to the planet. Just because I wouldn’t want to hang out with a ‘zombie bone-eating worm’, doesn’t mean it deserves to have the sewage of wankers plonked on it. Same way foxes may eat the odd chicken, but it doesn’t deserve to be torn limb from limb by upper class dogs. In fact if that’s the only criteria as to why foxes deserve to die then I suggest those hunting packs sit outside a KFC on a daily basis and attack anyone that emerges. There was a point to this, but then I got imagining the above situation and I slightly lost it. Essentially our planet rocks and I hope it continues to stay alive and thrive at least until we can discover whatever this is and then I might be able to go swimming in the sea again: