Grey Areas

I was woken up by the shitty grey cat being in our flat again this morning. I have decided that our cats need a cat flap with a front door key. That grey cat just wanders in as though he can and then antagonizes Rosie and Bella until they make a loud hissing noise and general cat mayhem sounds and I wake up two hours before I should. I don’t like it that he harasses our cats, but I like it less that he wakes me up. I haven’t quite worked out a solution yet, but I fear even if I lay traps or clever devices for him that I may be tempting some sort of Warner Bros Acme type fate where they will all backfire. I’ve seen cartoons. When humans tackle animals bad stuff happens. Either that or the RSPCA will find out that I’ve set fire to his tail and then I’ll get in trouble. Seriously, its political correctness gone mad I tells ya. So that was at 8.30am this morning and to sort my self out I decided to go back to bed, waking up much later than I thought I would. Its the weather. I blame the weather entirely for my laziness. Its because I am so in touch with my ancestors roots, that I empathize with the need to hibernate on grey days like this. Yes, I mean the really ancient ancestors. The ones that said things like ‘oog’ and ‘ug boots’ and little else. In fact its all to do with grey things. I blame grey. David Grey, you have a lot to answer for you shaky headed bastard!

I took part in the science quiz last night and while I was pretty crap (scoring a mere 3 points out of 12) I felt I answered something’s pretty well. Such as the question ‘In the UK the room at a sperm donor in which a man donates his sperm is called a ‘donations room’. What is it called in the USA?’ The correct answer was ‘Masterbatorium’ which is pretty funny. My answer was ‘Cum and Go Booths’. Someone just about trumped it with ‘oval office’. The one I answered correctly, which few else got was that Genghis Khan is responsible for 1% of the world’s population, due to the amount of ladies he had sexy time with. That’s amazing isn’t? 1% of everyone is a bit mongol and barbarian like. I hope I’m 1% Genghis. I’d prefer to be Khan than Khan’t. The rest of the evening was really good too. There was a lot of clever science chat where I ended up sitting and grinning a lot, hoping people would take this as a sign that I understood everything. Sadly, before they knew I was a comedian, I think they presumed that someone had brought along their special needs cousin and left him in a corner. My set itself went down really well, which was nice. Lots of the jokes will never work again, but I was fairly proud of them so I might try and throw them into normal gigs. I’m sure most hen and stag dos will get hilarious word play on the SRY gene and ovarian terratomas. I mean, wouldn’t everyone? No.

I’m cutting this blog short today as I’m going to meet Craine for a writing lunch. We don’t know what we’re writing about as we’ll be eating lunch, and we are having lunch at a place called the breakfast club. Essentially, we’re lunching with breakfast and writing. I’m so very confused and I don’t like it. This will be followed by a special Fat Tuesday tonight with Stephen K Amos. Its already sold out, so there. I win.