I haven’t had much sleep which should mean I’m feeling deliriously tired and generally grumpy, but oddly I am wide awake and rather chirpy. I assume this is to do with sunshine and being so deliriously tired I haven’t yet realised I am deliriously tired. I am expecting that around 4 o clock I may have to nap. I did this the other day and wasn’t expecting it. I like not expecting naps, as it often means they are needed. I need to try and forget that I may have a nap and so later it might sneak up on me and I’ll just fall asleep. I have a gig, but its not until 10pm tonight and its in London, which means I don’t need to leave till about 9.15ish. That gives me a lot of leeway for nap time. It could sneak up on me anytime between now and about 6ish without causing too much damage. If however it attacks from 7 onwards it could jeapordise my night. Them naps can be sneaky. If I haven’t been napped by 7 I think I will concoct some sort of caffeine brew made of coffee, coca-cola and some caffeine pills which should keep me going till next Saturday which is when I get to properly have a snooze. Can’t wait for that. Till then I may make some precautions like tying a a pillow around my head just incase I go at anytime. Its thinking like that that has ensured my safety throughout my life. Safety and very odd looks in public. And people shouting ‘oi you pillow headed prick’ at me.

The reason for lack of sleep was partly due to a very late return from my gig in the Isle of Wight last night. It is very far away the Isle of Wight. For a start its in the sea and we all know how far that is. You have to get a boat and everything. You can’t just get the train. You could swim, but that would take ages and you’d get cold. So boat it was. Myself and Rob Deering had a nice drive to Southampton where he consumed more fruit than a man should. How much is that you may ask? Well I would vouch that 3 satsumas within 5 minutes of setting off is a hefty starting point, followed by another 3 during the journey and an apple. Let it be said that Deering is most certainly a fruity man. If he ever gets scurvy there is no hope for us all. We were joined by Simon Jenkins at the port where a man shouted at me for knocking his car. I had no memory of this, and was fairly sure I did not knock his car so I just did the very British thing and apologised for something I clearly hadn’t done. He was shouty and Northern and I got a bit scared. Then when I told him I was sorry he said not to worry as it hadn’t caused any damage. This then confused me further as I wondered in what way I could knock his car and not cause damage. I can only conclude he was bonkers which made him even more scary. The ferry itself was nice. We were a little shocked at first as Red Funnel ferries are now sponsored by Ikea which is nearly as scary as a bonkers man shouting at you for things you haven’t done. I don’t want to board a ferry made from flatpack furniture that will clearly have one vital piece missing. In the end it was all ok and actually rather lovely. We sat on the deck in the sunshine for the duration of the journey while Simon dealt with his sea sickness, which he did very well. That is until lots of people with dogs boarded and then his fear of dogs kicked in. There really is a no win situation when you don’t like boats or dogs and happen to be on a boat with dogs on it. Simon said he is also scared of feet. I find this a bit difficult as everyone has them. The only way to cope with that fear would be to hang around amputees a lot.

After a relaxing boat trip in the sunshine, we got the the gig early and went for a nice pub dinner round the corner. It felt a bit like a nice day trip and by the time the gig rolled round I felt all a bit tired and relaxed and would happily have just gone home instead and had a nap. Luckily the crowd were lovely and very up for it which made the whole night a breeze. I suppose when you live on an island you don’t laugh much and mainlanders only get sent over once a month to amuse them so they get very excited. I joked about whether or not they knew about Michael Jackson due to their news boat not arriving till Monday. They liked that, and then they also liked Michael Jackson jokes. It might just have been the way I told them and perhaps they still didn’t know who he was. Either way I will keep doing them for a few more days. There was a couple who were on there 20th date at the gig. Their first date was at a ploughing contest. I didn’t know these events even existed. Its amazing what people do when they don’t have the internets or electricity isn’t it?

Seriously though it was a bit lovely and everytime I go there I do think that the Isle of Wight is a pretty nice place. I couldn’t live there as its only about 4 square foot big and I’d get cabin fever, but it is lovely. Simon had a great set and Rob had a truly mad hour that included an encore where he took his shirt off and played Marvin Gaye songs to old ladies. Then it took about 7 years to get home and we made it back for just before 3am. I managed to get four and half hours sleep until the mean grey and white cat from next door ran into our house and attacked our cats. The chorus of noises that followed sounded not dissimilar to someone chainsawing a violin with the violinist still attached. It was not pleasant and from then on I was up. Rather than doze again I travelled to Brixton where I took part in further chef related scenes for Dan Antopolski’s Sandwich Rap. While I may not be the biggest fan of not sleeping, its hard not to enjoy a Saturday morning where you dress up in cooking wear and watch Dan slap some cheese on toast repeatedly onto the floor of a greasy spoon cafe. I love my job/s.

I am really very tired. Typing words has allowed the nap to approach. I will fend it off for a bit to get some sort of lunch, then I shall lay down and be a victim to the sandman. I’ve never understood why it is the sandman that sends you to sleep and not the sleep man. I would have thought the sandman provides sand to places. I feel that he is shirking responsibility and no one is looking after the sand properly right now. Not only that but he has made the sleep man redundant. I will be sure to have words when I see him in about 25 minutes.


1) I am doing this gig tonight. It will be fun. FACT. Come along if you are London based:

2) Here is the story of my beard. Its not allowed on Facebook for copywright reasons because of the Vision On music. I like to think that rather than infringement, it is a tribute that I wanted to set my beard growth to the sounds that represent Tony Hart’s beautiful legacy. Facebook say no, I am a pirate. Thanks to Misha (@HowlieT for the twitterers) for putting the vid together. Now, witness 4 minutes of beard: