A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Three Dead Ones In Your Flat

I’ll tell you some ways I like being woken up. Of my own accord, with breakfast and by a call to remind you you have to catch a flight to go on holiday. All of those ways are great. You might have noticed that among those listed, there is not one saying ‘by finding a dead baby bird outside my bedroom door while my cat, Bella, sits proudly beside it, occasionally swatting it with her paw.’ Its not there, because I wouldn’t ever ask for that as the first thing I see in the morning. In fact I wouldn’t ever ask for it full stop. Seeing baby birds with heads nearly completely severed is not a picturesque moment, unless you a are child in practice to become a serial killer according to films. Apparently loads of serial killers start with killing animals, if you are to believe fiction. I killed a few ants as a kid, and so far that has never escalated into anything bigger. This may be due to the fact though that I am perfectly capable of killing ants but anything larger would probably provide me with a bit of a challenge. I reckon I could take anything up to and including the size of an otter, with ease. After that it depends on what weapons I have in my near vicinity, what the creature had done to me and if I was ready for it. If, say, a red panda had cussed my mum, I happened to have a frying pan on me, and I was in my ‘gonna smack a red panda in the face stance’, then the little fucker wouldn’t stand a chance. I realise its this sort of thinking that may well be the starting grounds for 14 dead bodies and a life on the run.

Not really sure what to do about my cats. You can’t punish them for this continues bird massacre. Its nature. However its nature that I don’t want in my flat. If, when flat hunting, me and Layla had said ‘what we really want is a home that can be filled with the natural prey of felines’, we would have chosen to live in the woods. Or a zoo. Zoo’s would be ace to live in, although I would have to stay in an enclosure fairly far away from the red pandas. Just incase you understand. I’ve had enough of disposing of dead birds for one day. Annoyingly my only reason for leaving the house today has been cancelled, even though I spent till the wee hours writing for it and even subjecting some unsuspecting Twitterers to testing it. So now all I am destined for is to sit and wait for further cat presents. It’ll have to end soon. I mean there can only be so many baby birds left to kill. Maybe, if I got a pet parrot and had a sturdy parrot cage cover to keep it safe from my cat, eventually they would become friends, like in the movies and my cat would change its ways. I have this horrible fear that it will soon dawn on me that behind our flat is an aviary of some sort.

Further work on my Edinburgh show today. The poster is now done and looks awesome:


I’m still a bit worried that people will be expecting more zombie material than I have. I might try and write more, or I might just put a disclaimer at the top of the show. I keep having decisions like this. There is a part of my show I probably should try and link carefully into another part of it. But I also keep thinking that I could just leave it as it is and have a sound clip of me singing the word ‘tenuous’ over the top of it. On the surface it seems like the lazy option but actually having to record the clip and sort out the sound cues would be much more effort. Essentially I will be spending ages making it look like I haven’t spent ages on it. Its a bit like those people who spend ages getting ready but still look a bit trampy. They all hang round Shoreditch with hair that looks like they’ve slept funny. In fact they’ve spent days moulding each strand of hair in particular ways to make it look ‘messed up’. I often wonder if they wake up in the mornings with immaculately perfect hair and groan at themselves in the mirror. So tenuous links, an ending to the show and further ways to find about £2k for my show is what I have to work on for today. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Heading to the Five Pound Fringe launch party tonight which should be fun. Its in a place near me, with people I like and free booze. There is little that can go wrong. Unless of course I drink all the free booze and offend the people I like, which is a possibility.