I Win

I got drunk yesterday and for free. I win. Its nice when you win things. Especially when its a game that you don’t tell anyone else the rules to it. Last night the game was ‘Lets all go and get drunk on free booze and eat canapes that are also free while a big purple cow dances around’. Did you do that? Doubt it. I win. So there. That is generally all I want in an evening – free booze, dancing cows and canapes. I often get canapes confused with canopies which is a very bad mistake. You try nibbling on a canopy. Its not good and it hurts your teeth.

The dancing cow in question was Violet the Udderbelly Cow who was there as the mascot to the Udderbelly at Southbank, the launch party of which was last night. Launch parties are often great, although no one does them better than NASA, where they actually launch stuff. That wins in my opinion, if of course you are playing the ‘who has the best launch party where people actually launch stuff’ game, which I was. Of course this is discounting NASA’s Challenger launch party of a few years back, which wasn’t fun for anyone. Least of all the astronauts. Last night’s do was to kick start the big upside down inflatable cow at the Southbank for 8 weeks. It looks great next to the Millennium wheel and has definitely brightened up the area somewhat. From quite some distance away you can see giant purple hooves and it does look a bit as though someone has just accidentally dropped it there. A small part of me is worried that giant purple intergalactic cows may fly past and think we’ve killed one of theirs. There were lots of nice people at the do and I’d managed to persuade Layla to come along and get drunk too, so we both indulged in small talk with people that was interrupted everytime someone with a tray of grub walked past. Everyone at these events knows that as much as its nice seeing nice people, the only reason we are all there is for booze and food and the waiters and waitresses with trays of stuff are the demi-Gods of the cow arena. The only bad thing they had was olives in sweet chilli sauce. This is wrong. Olives aren’t meant to be with sweet things. Same as marmite shouldn’t go on ice-cream. There are certain unspoken rules that everyone should know. The poor waitress that was carrying those must’ve felt like the booby prize of the night as everyone quickly glided away from her.

Joan Rivers cut the ribbon to open the Udderbelly which was cool. Its weird seeing her in real life as her face is so plastic she looks artificial. It started to rain and I was sure the rain drops were just bouncing off her cheeks like they would off a treated and varnished door. I wonder if she is allowed near open fires or if that is a health and safety hazard waiting to go wrong? The idea of plastic surgery still disturbs me. There are now adverts all over the tube and bus stops about it but none of them show the sort of people that have had it and look as though someone has laminated their face after a dog has been chewing at it. Althought to be fair, it could be that those surgeons are brilliant and that the clients walk in and say ‘Hi, I’d like the look as though you’ve laminated my face after a dog has been chewing at it.’ If that is the case then fair play. I’m not a fan of any cosmetic surgery or art stuff. I havent got a tattoo and I don’t want one. I fear what it would look like when I’m all old and wrinkly. Like those women that get a tattoo of a horse on their chest only for years later it to look like a giraffe. I did entertain the idea of getting my whole outline tattooed on me for a while to look super defined, but I think it would just creep people out.

I’m doing a charity gig tonight. Yep, I win. Of course this is because I am playing the ‘who is doing a gig for charity’ game this evening. Its all for Amnesty and there will be comedy and funk music. Not all at once, although I hope one day I do have a funk band backing me so I’ll be like the Shaft of mirth. I don’t know if people would laugh at my jokes if they finished with a ‘bow chikki wow wow’ or if they’d just think I was hella cool. To be fair, either outcome is good.

If you fancy funking up and hearing gags all at once, sort of, then please pop along:


Till then I’m going to spend today doing lots of things I need to do. Yep, I know. I win.