The Day The Music Died

Who let Asher Roth do anything? He is the most offensive thing I’ve seen in ages. He makes me ashamed to be white and into hip-hop. Someone at the record company should have taken one look at Asher Roth and just told him straight that there was no way in hell he’d be allowed to make hip-hop because it would look horrible wrong and the poor quality of lyrics would make people violently sick and dogs howl. Not only is he repulsive in every single way, he raps and sounds almost exactly like Eminem which is made worse by Eminem’s recent comeback with some really terrible songs. Now if I hear them in close succession on the radio I just hate Eminem even more, and its not his fault. Well only half of it. He cant do a song with ‘We let We Will Rock You Happen’ Queen and Paul ‘I’ll never be Freddie or anything close to Freddie or infact anything other than a fail’ Rogerson and expect people to still like him. But at least he doesn’t look like he was constantly beaten up at school. Although he probably was. Asher Roth definitely was and deserves to still be beaten up daily on a regular basis. Eveytime he pretends that what he is doing is hip-hop then he gets double beatings with sticks and bats. If he even so much as tries to tell the crowd to ‘throw’ their ‘hands up in time with this joint’, then we shoot his knee caps out. I cant believe Jools Holland would let him on his show. Jools usually has decent taste. Thats what I like about his show his decent taste and the fact he sounds a bit like he has very trapped wind. Roth isn’t what I want when I get back from gigs. I want good music, not Where’s Wally trying to be badass. It was nearly redeemed by the unfortunate shot of Annie Lennox dancing along to it as though she was trying to get wasps out of her hair. Poor poor mental Annie.

I have just signed up to this – – which I am very excited about. Its things like that that make me pleased about humanity and still believe there is love and harmony in the world. I have already started to think of what tracks I will put on the CDs I send out and will put what I believe to be an eclectic mix of amazing tunes that make me feel happy or insightful or a host of other amazing emotions that can be evoked by great music. I hope that in return I am introduced to tracks that make whoever sent them feel the same way and I gain a few extra favourite songs and artists. What I am afraid of, is getting sent a whole CD of Asher Roth tracks or something equally as evil and as I play the CDs I end up smashing up my stereo, house and all belongings out of sheer hate. If that happens, I will find their address and send them endless Chris D’Burgh CDs until their brain commits suicide. It will mean I have to buy the D’Burgh CDs in the first place which will hurt worse than needle in the eye of taste, but it will be worth it to give them a taste of their own medicine.

I get very angry about bad music and I’m pleased I’m gigging tonight otherwise I would witness more musical tragedy with the Eurovision Song Contest, or Musical Showcase for International Racism and Politics as I like to call it. I hate the whole event with its ‘who will have the best bizzare transexuals monsters singing songs called La-La Boom Boom Shower Cap Titty Sock’. Although there is a part of me that still hopes Britain will win purely for the memory of Terry Wogan who left due to anger at the anti-British voting. The only problem will be that if we do win, that means we win with an Andrew Lloyd Webber song and that will allow television to put his horrible disfigured face on television again. I wish he’d go back to wearing that half face mask that he used to wear when he lived underground and only came out to play and haunt the Opera. He’s like a snivelling Jabba the Hut of music. I hope that the UK come last and as punishment Webber is shot outside Buckingham Palace for his crimes against theatre, music and people’s eyes.

Luckily I am gigging so I will miss the whole facade, which I am pleased about. I am pleased I will not see Norton try and fill Wogan’s oft pissed commentary shoes. Norton will never be able to demean all the short videos about a country’s industry and culture so effortlessly and with such few words. I remember laughing so hard when Estonia’s short film about a pipe making factory was overdubbed with a very sarcastic ‘ pipes? Is that really the best thing they make? Pipes?’ then quickly followed with ‘ I sure this next act in rehearsal, I wish theyd pipe down’. The man was a master at it. So to avoid Norton fucking it all up, I will be at Gipsy Hill Comedy Club on a truly great bill with Simon Munnery and Jo Caulfield which should be good. Hopefully it will be a warmer lot than the crowd at the LCF gig in Boston. It wouldnt be hard as that crowd were so cold eskimo’s would have complained about the temperture of the room. It was as though a heat sucking vacuum had been aimed at their heads and turned to max. What I’m trying to say is, it wasnt easy. Carl Donnelly did an ace job of MCing at the top with such an unresponsive group, and I followed and just ran through my 20 minutes to no response so I could go home. There was a point where I asked who was having a drink and a man asked me if I minded if he got one during my set. I said no, and his glee was the best reaction I had. At that point he sent his wife to get him a beer because he was obviously incapable of getting one himself, or she was an idiot. Or both. On the plus side it was nice to see Carl and Holly albeit briefly and to be told of Stewart Francis’s very bizarre drinking habits. Of course, aside from that, its always fun driving for three and a half hours each way by yourself to peform a very unsatisfying gig then on the way home a samosa launches itself at you while you try and eat it and get samosa all over your jeans and car seat. Oh wait, hang on, no its not.