Mind Benders

Im going to see Derren Brown’s new show tonight which has made me both very excited and also scared at the prospect of the brain damage I will endure. I have seen him live twice and both times have left me confused and feeling slightly mentally violated for ages after. As Corrie (who is the awesome person who has got me a ticket for the show) told me, it often leaves people unable to finish sentences when they try and describe what he’s done. ‘I just don’t get how he…..’, ‘What I still cant figure out is just how….’. I reckon he did that by putting some mental block so we can never try and reveal what has happened. The first show I saw was the ‘Something Wicked This Way Comes’ tour which had such an incredible finale that me and Layla left in silence and tried to talk about it for days after but with no avail. Conversations were ruined as we would suffer that affliction of not finishing any sentences. The second time I was prepared. It was his ‘Mind Reader’ tour and I was lucky enough to go to the press night launch and then the after party. The show was insane, particularly a bit where he guessed that a woman had once owned 30 hamsters. I was both impressed at his ability to do that, and also that she had owned that many hamsters. I have owned hamsters in the past and they are not fun. They either bite you or piss on you and if you have two of different sexes they just claw the shit out of each other like tiny furry versions of Mr and Mrs Smith. Only without guns. Or clothes. Or any massive plot holes and bad acting.

I got to meet Derren for a minute at the aftershow and was a little bit terrified he would peer into my soul or at least already know what I was going to say to him. He did neither and he was lovely. Or at least I think he was. Its highly possible he punched me in the face but made me only remember he was a top chap. I, being a tad drunk on free booze, told him that I loved the show, but hated the way he had fucked with my mind. He said that he loved the way that 40% of my praise for him was hate and that people often say that to him. I felt a bit sad that perhaps no one ever says he’s just brilliant without adding the suspicious paranoia in there but then I also thought that he probably deserves it as if we ever give in entirely we will be at his mercy. He clearly has powers we will never understand. Like a real life Professor X or Obi Wan Kenobi, but with a snappier dress sense. I fear that one day he will turn to the dark side and destroy the earth, controlling us normal folk with incredible mental frequencies. Maybe that’s why he shares a surname with our PM? He is controlled by the government to destroy the common man! To prevent this I may turn up tonight wearing a mind protection hat constructed of kitchen implements and tin foil. You can’t be too careful.

Yesterday’s audition went better than I thought it would. It started with me tripping up on a stair on the way into the room which is never classy. So few rooms have steps up on the door frame into them though that I wasn’t expecting it. I wondered if it had been put there on purpose as some clever TV casting test. ‘Step one, can he get through the door. No? Well you cant have the job, we only cast comedians who are capable of going from room to room, NEXT!’ After that though it got better despite a comment from the director being taken the wrong way. I had done a small bit what I wrote on how annoying getting my card frauded was. At the end, he said ‘That’s really good’ and then under his breath he said ‘god how annoying’. You might see how that could be taken the wrong way. He obviously meant how annoying the card fraud must have been or at least that’s what he said. Its possible he was annoyed that my bit was still good after being flustered by the step mishap. Well that’s how I roll. Or trip, rather. Overall though I was pleased although I’ll be more pleased if I a) get it, b) get a whole pilot show just for me on the basis of card fraud, tripping up and my metal hat and c) gain some sort of power to avoid the social awkwardness of tripping up a step ever again.

The rest of the day contained far less social awkwardness and was topped off with watching some odd BBC1 program about sleep. I wasn’t going to watch it as it was hosted by Natasha Kaplinski clone Kate Silverton, who somehow manages to look very old and very young at the same time. Its a bit like she is the host body for when Anne Robinson decides to leave hers, like the Emperor in Star Wars (although only in the Star Wars novels which I have read some of like a King Geek). They have given Kate the hair, glasses and leather jacket and one day she will be called to Television Centre and strapped onto a table while Anne’s body falls to the ground just a husk of skin and this horrible green smoke will be sucked into Kate’s brain until she wakes up, unable to stop winking and being a twat. Anyway, I kept watching the show as I saw Russell Kane was on it, and I have to say it was a fairly interesting watch, if only because it showed just how fat and old Dominic Diamond looks and because it has proved that Russell can calm down and does actually stop moving for once. Although I’m sure some of that was camera trickery. Oddly out of all the remedies they showed for a better nights sleep, none of them contained chloroform or running repeatedly into walls head first. I do hope there is a sequel as I think its only fair to science.

Long day ahead with a Comedy 4 Kids Sketch Show rehearsal followed by mind bending. Hence why this blog is pre-written. Ha, you all thought it was written on the day but it wasn’t. I did it the night before. Or did I? Haha eat your heart out Derren! I’ve just played mind tricks though mere text! Unless of course I only wrote this text because he made me. Maybe I’ve never written it and all of this is a creation of Derren Brown and we are all trapped in a mind spiral vortex thingy. ARRRRGGHHHH! Well at least I’ll be alright because I have my protection hat.

Prototype 1 (complete with mind control expression): http://twitpic.com/529yp

Prototype 2 (For heavy duty mind safety): http://twitpic.com/52avp

See you on the other side mentalists! If it doesn’t work expect tomorrow’s blog to be written in all half finished…