Crossbows and Catapults

Gotta work on my show for tonight so this blog shall be brief today. It’s going to take some time to work out what all the words are now they have been doodled into a series of animals and fuzzy snakes. I should have realised this would ultimately cause me more work when I was trying to avoid doing work in the first place. It is one of those lessons I have never learnt and will ultimately cost me my life. One day I’ll be trying to read the encryption decoder that I have spent most of my adult life creating so I can open up the tomb to some ancient king with an overly elaborate name like Rafarlartarmapar, a and I will instead read the fuzzy snakes and get crushed by a giant boulder while the Indiana Jones music plays, only with more horns section. Extra horns section is a good thing sometimes but some people need to learn its not necessary everywhere. OK Mark Ronson? Just put the horns down now and move away from other people’s tracks. Good Ronson.

Very little else to report. Had a distinct lack of gig last night, which is generally how this whole month will continue. My diary has some truly gaping holes in it for May and for June. This is the worst fear for any comic, because it means either I live in further poverty than I already am, work my arse off to get gigs, or bite the bullet and get some sort of daytime work. The latter is not an option anymore, as I am physically incapable of daytime work since leaving my last job in July 2007. Since that fateful day, whatever the day was, I can no longer get up at a reasonable time of day and I have difficulty focusing on work I like let alone work I’m bored by. It would be more a case of ‘how quickly can I get fired?’ rather than holding down a job. I would give it two enthusiastic days before I start seeing which filing cabinets I can hide in and how many times I can enter famous dead people’s names into the data entry system before someone realises they are not clients/tenants/ingredients/anything to do with the job. So I am working on the middle option and preparing for the first option. I have kept several cardboard boxes and have a fairly good sleeping bag so should be ok.

Last night’s lack of gig was ok. The plan was to make some grub and watch a film with Layla, but the grub took ages to make and by the time we sat down to watch a film Layla was asleep on the sofa which was ridiculously selfish of her. How dare she live on a normal time table and be tired at appropriate times? Instead of watching the film I decided against it so I can guilt trip her about how I still haven’t seen it and I found an online game where I got to fire a catapult at castles. That’s really all I’ve ever needed. I still lament about the great ‘board game’ Crossbows and Catapults. I say ‘board game’ and not board game, because there was no board at all and it just involved firing discs into your opponents wall until it collapsed. I like those sort of intellectual games. Its also very easy to cheat as all you do is kick your opponents wall. They then get upset and cry and tell their mum and you have to leave and go home, and you aren’t invited to their birthday party because you are ‘a bad influence’. You should try it. The computer game I played just involved catapulting large rocks at castles till you have killed everyone inside. They all make satisfyingly good death sounds when it works. It worries me how much I enjoyed that. I am a big fan of breaking things. Once when I did work on landscaping a garden for my friends dad, I got to push over a wall. We had knocked away all the surrounding walls with a sledgehammer (yeah I know!) and then the final wall I got to charge into and just push over. I swear that was the best day I’ve ever had. I sang Pink Floyd for the whole afternoon and texted everyone to tell them what I’d done. Oddly all my male friends were impressed and all my female friends didn’t text back. Ever again.

Right, will stop rambling and go write. It should be lovely tonight. I’m travelling with Tiffany Stevenson, her boyfriend Paul and the other Paul too. One trip, two Pauls. If I’m able to put up with that, then I will be a top Paul Bearer. Arf. The gig is Mark Olver’s one in Bristol which I hear is a delight to do. This means if my show doesn’t go down well again, then it must really suck. Lets hope they like fuzzy snake doodles.