Swines, Ducks, Spidermen and Zombies

This swine flu is causing all sorts of hullabaloo at the moment. I am as yet unfazed but such matters. Bird Flu and SARS didn’t seem to cause as much damage as they said they would and pigs are far less mobile than birds or, er SARS, whatever they are. I bet they’re pretty mobile though. Sadly there is no evidence of any pigs as yet having swine flu and the flu itself appears to only contain strains of bird and human flu. I’m not a master of genetics but if you combine a bird and a human you get a giant scary human bird not a pig. A giant scary human bird would be far more terrifying than a sick pig. Especially as it could fly and do human shits from the sky, and if you got one of those on your jacket I’d like to see you try and convince someone it’s good luck. So pigs have unfairly been tarnished again. In Cuba pork isn’t considered a meat, which is just degrading to all swine. I’m not sure what they class it as instead but as a veggie I ordered a cheese sandwich in Havana. The only other sandwich of choice due to the lack of culinary wonder in the Cubans diet was cheese and ham. I, obviously, did not want the ham and so choosing the sandwich lacking in ham seemed wise. Until my sandwich arrived, at which point I realised it had ham in it. Upon asking the waiter, he said it was the cheese sandwich as the ham and cheese sandwich had twice as much ham in it. So ultimately pigs need some better respect. I suggest next time a cure for something good is invented we call it the ‘Ham Cure’. Of course people wont believe it works due to the inappropriate title so it may all backfire.

A lady in the front row of the gig last night was sneezing a lot. I made a comment about her having swine flu and all her friends pointed out that she had recently come back from Mexico. There was some general panic at this. I tried to alleviate the situation by telling her to only sneeze in the wine bucket she had in front of her as some sort of elongated face mask. Sure it was still filled with ice water but that’s the price she would pay if she made me sick. I tried sending her to the back of the room but the people at the back of the room complained about this. I almost suggested that we just shoot her and cover her in quicklime thereby getting rid of any trace of the disease, but I thought this was perhaps harsh, especially as she was about to turn into a pig or whatever the flu does to you. I wish I had chosen the latter as she ended up being one of the most rude audience members I had ever met. She was a psychiatrist and looked down her (soon to be) snout at every act that was on, either giving them horrible bored looks or openly texting on her phone. She was not the only mad one in the crowd. It was a little gig in Ayelsbury in a cafe that from first appearances looked like it would be horrible. The stage was halfway into the room with the left hand side of the room being the crowd and the right hand side anyone who wanted to come to the bar for free and just chat. There is a flaw there, I wonder if you can spot it as quickly as I could.

The few crowd seemed nice but very odd. There was a woman who did nothing all day except watch TV and eat crisps. I was immensely jealous of her. That’s pretty much my lifestyle except that I have to gig as well. One day I’ll achieve the dream and get rid of the gigging and just eat crisps. Another member of the crowd seemed to insist that Aylesbury was famous for ducks. Now I have since been explained via @bopeepsheep (via Twitter) that the Aylesbury ducks are bred specifically in the area. This may be true but other areas are famous for inventing things, or building incredible structures, curing diseases or something wonderful like that. I can’t help but feel that having to breed ducks Aylesbury is copping out a bit. ‘Cant be arsed to invent anything, lets just claim the existance of an entire breed of bird is ours. No wait, lets breed it with a different coloured one to make it an Aylesbury duck.’ Meanwhile they’re pissing about with ducks they could have been inventing flying cars or a cure to swine flu. Do we need more breeds of duck? As far I as was concerned we had quite a few what with normal ducks, er, daffys and donalds. I don’t really know about ducks. Just that they like bread but oddly not toasted cheese sandwiches which I think is fickle, although could be to do with a bad ham experience. Surely breeding something specifically isn’t something to be that proud of either? Essentially you are messing with nature. I think the Aylesbury duck started global warming. Lets make this rumour grow until someone blows up Aylesbury to protect the planet.

The gig went really mental right towards the end with the psychiatrist texting away and sneezing, an Irish woman shouting at the Australian headline act saying she knew more about the Australian economy than he did and then some man called Neil just turning up and shouting a lot. It was a shame to end the day like that, especially after awesome earlier times as a zombie which had all gone very well. I looked very undead yesterday and then after it was all done I peeled my face and arms off which made me feel not dead but very very bruised. It turns out liquid latex is pretty dangerous. Having put it all round my eyes and nose I felt a little bit high on glue smells for the rest of the day which may explain why zombies always have rolled back eyes. Suze has an impressive fancy dress box at her house and so after zombie pics we took a series of mental pics of her in various hats/disguises with me as a zombie. Among the many costumes Suze has, is a full length Spiderman outfit. I was extremely jealous of this. I used to have one when I was four that I insisted on wearing despite the mask being too big for my head. After running eye first into a door knob at a friends fancy dress party that outfit was discarded and I have missed it since. I would willingly smash my eyes into doorknobs to get that costume back. I suppose I could just buy one which would be less painful. Suze’s costume was a proper one too with none of those fake padded muscles on it, to ensure that whoever wears it just looks a bit weedy or tubby as I would. Suze decided we needed some Spiderman fighting a zombie shots for no one reason other than it was a genius idea. During said shots the doorbell rang and after some seconds debating over it, Suze went and answered the door in full Spidey outfit. Her neighbour was both amused and baffled. It was a glorious moment and I applaud Suze’s avoidance of shame. I think more people should answer the door dressed as Spiderman if only to cheer up postmen. I thought opening it as a zombie may be a bad idea though. People don’t know what swine flu does to you yet and it could well cause a panic.