Loads and loads of stuff to do today. None of it is remotely fun. With the best intentions I stayed up really late last night thinking maybe I could get some of it done then, but instead felt too tired, chatted to people on Facebook and consequently stayed up even later in a semi-awake state chatting about Greek gods that don’t really exist. Now I have been up for three hours and feel so exhausted from staying up late I still haven’t got anything useful done either. Which means I am now wasting away time chatting to people on Facebook again. Its a vicious cycle, all created by internet socialising sites. Yes they might bringing the world together but I think that if it wasn’t for sites like that I would have six hour shows by now, and would have written three best selling novels and one crap one no one liked that would have taught me not write a detective story about badgers with hats ever again. Although more likely than this, I would have just found something else to distract me with. I wonder how people procrastinated in medieval times? No internet, xbox or daytime TV. I can’t imagine a monk beginning to scribe an important text before suddenly deciding he’d better do some ploughing first. Maybe that was why they used to get stuff done. Whatever you tried to procrastinate with was always just as tedious and dull as what you were doing in the first place.

I would like to think that if the internet had been invented many many years ago that lots of other things wouldn’t have been invented. Of course I suppose that would make the internet much more dull than it is now as you wouldn’t be able to buy half as much if it wasn’t there and then ultimately people would get bored of surfing the net and invent stuff as a means of something else to do. I always wonder if the inventor of the internet knew that while creating something truly amazing he was ultimately destroying so many possible great things. I can blame a lot on him. It would be easy to say that I wouldn’t have done all those amazing things had the internet not existed but it does so I will blame him. Its like all those fat people that tried to sue McDonalds. If McDonalds hadn’t been there in the first place those people would probably still be fat. Or starving and bizarrely as malnutritioned as they would be had they only been eating McDonalds.

The things I have to do today are:

1) My frikkin’ Edinburgh show. I have a preview next week and really really need to work on it so its not exactly the same as it was last time and will now include my telephone gag. However, I know its a week away and so I have conned myself into not worrying about it. Now, instead, I am worrying about not worrying about it. I think I have serious issues.

2) Sponsorship. I still don’t have any and to make it worse I received three emails in my inbox this morning from companies telling me they don’t sponsor comedy or individual tours. I can’t work out why not. Comedy is a brilliant thing to sponsor. Especially when the comedian spends the first five minutes criticising all the logos on their posters and how they hate whatever drink it is that sponsors them and how the company kills babies. Why wouldn’t you want to promote that? Oh wait….

3) Something I can’t tell you about. But I will. So just wait. You’re so bloody impatient.

4) I’m helping with the Comedy 4 Kids workshop tomorrow. I have to invent a few games for them to play. I’m wondering if ‘knife juggling’ and ‘putting your head in a fire while the teacher has a snooze’ are allowed.

5) An actual gig. I have to be in Chesham tonight. I should probably do some jokes while I’m there. Of course I could not do any jokes which would lower the bar for all the other acts and then they will have a great gig. I’m very unselfish like that.

6) The washing up. I have been holding it off for several days but there is now a smell emanating from the sink that if I don’t deal with it soon will require a hazmet team to come and take it away. I’m genuinely scared something has died in there.

Right must get on with all this stuff. Although someone new has just followed me on Twitter and then I’d better Tweet that I have blogged and then should probably check Facebook too. I’m so not getting anything done today.