Old Ladies, Innocent and Talking to Strangers

You know what I love at a gig? I tell you there is nothing better than an old woman who sits dead centre of the audience with a face of stone and does a perfectly timed yawn on every punchline. Each intake of oxygen, while possibly the result of a tiring day, or general fatigue, was a vicious, but very relaxed heckle to my set. To be fair I did not expect doing a small charity gig for my friend Emma to be easy. They rarely are. But knowing that I’m doing the minimal I need to to save lives/raise funds/avoid guilt is normally enough. And the gig was really nice and for a very good cause. Emma is running the London marathon for Mencap, a charity, which contrary to how it sounds, is not supporting sporty headwear for men. Running the London marathon, or in fact any marathon, is something I will never ever do and I completely respect anyone that does. For ages I used the excuse that being diabetic I couldn’t run the London marathon because I’m diabetic and it wouldn’t be very sensible. Then a couple of years ago that plan got scuppered by some selfish 92 year old diabetic bastard who ran it in 6 hours. Its because of him I now just have to say I won’t do it because I’m lazy and don’t want to. I hope he realises that his elderly actions have dragged the evil truth out of me like a senile lie detector.

I was doing 30 minutes for Emma and Stuart’s (who is running for Teenage Cancer Trust) Fundraiser Night, before being followed by a ukelele band doing KaraUke. I mean followed on stage, not, as I would like, followed everywhere. It was a nice gig and all but yawning lady and all the noise from the open plan kitchen in the same room as us, were great. I then went home and after some further Stewart Lee viewing (liked it once again but not best episode so far) started to swot up on all things Irish for my trip to Galway today. I realised that I really know very little about Ireland past that ‘The Wind That Blows The Barley’ DVD is still sitting on my shelf unwatched, and that years and years ago my great grandma came over to the UK as an orphan because she missed potatoes. Sometimes I miss potatoes too so I know how it feels. I’m scared that by having a baked potato for dinner tonight I may have unhinged my ability to bond with them tomorrow. I hope I’ve expelled it from my system by the time I board the plane.

Seriously though, I can’t wait to get there. The entire trip is based on me getting very drunk with the promoters Kevin and Gugai in Edinburgh last year and making drunken claims about how good my act was. It was all lies and I look forward to them realising just how shit I am and chasing me out of Galway with burning pitchforks.Or just make me drink Guinness. I hate Guinness. It tastes liked creamed sick. Oh dear, I have a feeling these next two days could all go really really wrong.

Have you tried www.omegle.com yet? Russell Brand tweeted about it yesterday and I’ve been a bit hooked since. The whole concept is that you talk to strangers. There are no user names or pics or anything just text between you and ‘Stranger’. The very first person I met thought it was hilarious to pretend they were US feds and were busting me because the last person I spoke to was a ’12 Year Old Girl’. When I explained it was my first time on www.omegle.com they crumbled. I then complained about their poor spelling and they disconnected. It was like dealing with long distance hecklers. I then met a girl from Massachusetts who was far too quick to send personal details over. Its lucky I’m not scary or weird. Well not scary weird anyway. She has no idea that I sometimes shout back at my satnav. She seemed cool but I am looking forward to more angry chat. Fingers crossed I get a creationist next. Or a redneck Nazi.

Speaking of evil, Innocent Smoothies have signed a £30 million deal with Coca-Cola. I loved Innocent smoothies and their supposed ethics. It appears all those ethics and fruity promises were a massive lie now that they have joined forces with union worker killers and Indian village water drainers. Even though their emails are funny and kooky in that oh-so-lovely way, make a point of unsubscribing in protest. I have done already. And I told them why and said that as Mark Thomas has already sent them information and proof on why Coca-Cola are evil, they should now, under British law change their name to ‘Guilty Smoothies’. I will now only ever make my own substandard smoothies that take too much effort and end up as a mulchy undrinkable mess. Damn you Innocent for ruining everything.

See Mark’s letter of response to Innocent here:


And on a much nicer and actually innocent note, why not sponsor Emma and Stuart? They are lovely and its for a good cause and everything: