Fan Hater

Our new sofa is amazing. I am finally getting to spend some quality time with it today and I think things are going to work out just fine. Obviously like any relationship, there is going to have to be some give. Mainly on the sofa’s side. Its so bouncy right now that I have to be careful when sitting on it incase I fly right off again. Its very good for jumping on, as per yesterday’s jump test, but sadly we have rather low ceilings and now I have a sore head. The sofa men finally arrived about 3 o clock yesterday and told me that it was their 5 delivery of the day, out of 12 which made me feel guilty for complaining about being trapped indoors. I did wonder if they were making that up and had spent the day drinking tea and saying geezer type comments instead, but they seemed nice so I doubt it. I overcompensated with cockneying up my own voice for fear they would not think I was much of a geezer. I called them both ‘mate’ a lot, which was massively insincere. They asked if I had a day off and I told them I ‘worked nights’ without saying what it was I did. This garnered some respect from them both and a oh so hilarious comment about them ruining my beauty sleep. The piece-de-resistance however was when their electric drill ran out and they borrowed mine. I felt like I had confirmed my status as a man and then there was a comfortable silence as they finished the job with my tools and left. I’m sure as they got back into their van they said things like ‘well there goes a man with tools and everything’, ‘bet he could’ve put the sofa together all by himself if he’d wanted’ and ‘I bet his night job is being a ninja’.

I’m not sure what’s happened to me to cause this reaction lately but I’ve developed a problem with speaking to audience members during or after a show. I have always been one to suck up and enjoy all the attention of someone saying they liked what I did, but lately I can’t deal with it at all. Last night a women ran up and gave me a big hug in the interval saying that she thought I was ‘lovely’. I actually flinched a bit. I think this was mostly because she wasn’t lovely. I mean, I’m sure on most occasions she is, but last night she was a drunk tit. Now, I, many a time, have loved a drunk tit, but being completely sober and in the middle of working it was just horrible, invasive and not particularly nice. I all but pushed her off, said thanks and then ran away. This has happened a lot recently. At a university gig a few weeks ago, I had a well timed loo visit while one of the acts was on. This normally ensures that no one from the audience will be in the loos and so I will avoid any unnecessary chat. Unfortunately within seconds of me entering, someone else entered, and stood at the urinal next to mine. Already this is against all toilet etiquette. Then he did the big no-no, and spoke to me while in the action of pissing. He said ‘Alright mate? You’re well funny’. That was a nice thing to say in any other situation but not when we can see each others cocks. I was then unable to pee, grunted in response and ran away. The sort of action that had the sofa men known about they would have laughed at in disgust. What I would have much preferred was if these people hadn’t talked to me at all. I’m scared that I am becoming a recluse. Next time you see me gig, maybe you should stroll up and speak to me to stop me living in a shed by the sea and never speaking to anyone again.

The taps in the toilets at the gig last night made a sound uncannily like a trapped kitten. This has disturbed me ever since I heard it. What if there was trapped kitten in their somehow? And every time I wash my hands I’m drowning it? Its a tough call but cleanliness comes first, so I washed them a few times to make sure. The sound kept happening. That cat was resilient.

I’ve got an interesting gig tonight. Its a Laugher In Odd Places show in someone’s living room in Epsom. I hope its nice and I don’t get too comfy and act like I do in my living room. Otherwise I may start putting my feet up and watching TV when I should be gigging. I might even bring my comfy PJs and some ovaltine. Hope their sofa is as good as ours.

Final note: Are you London based and if so what are you doing Tuesday lunchtime? You do hate the Daily Mail don’t you? Yep I thought so because you appear sensible and not a racist bigot. Anyway there is a demo outside their offices courtesy of Mark Thomas. Have a lookie here (second item down) and will see you there!