Hopefully You’ll Be Funny

I embark on my weekend in Glasgow in about 4 hours. I did want to get the train to help the planet and all that but earth saving costs twice as much as destroying it so I’m sadly making my carbon footprint the size of a yeti’s shoe and taking Easyjet. I like taking Easyjet as its often a far from Easy experience and I’m waiting for the right flight that is so rubbish that I can send a letter getting them on false pretenses. Its not easy fighting for a chair, or paying £5 for a nasty sandwich, or sitting in chairs that are so uncomfortable you walk like hunchback for two days after or having half a ton of hidden tax costs on top of your flight costs. But this is all worth it compared to paying all of your life’s savings for one train journey. I often feel like GNER and Virgin are actively trying to make the skies burn. I think this might be why Branson is so eager to get to the moon.

The show in High Wycombe last night was easy, although I didn’t think it would be. This was mainly because when I arrived the techie enquired whether I’d been at the gig before. When I replied no he said ‘You’d better watch out, comedians have left here in tears cos the crowd are so tough. Hopefully you’ll be funny.’ Now if he had said it in a jokey or sarcastic manner that would have been fine, but he didn’t. He said it like a cock-sure man who felt like he had to ruin the night for other people. Normally I like techies. They tend to have a pretty good sense of humour and generally be quite fun people unless you start talking about lighting specifications then you can get stuck there for hours nodding at words such as ‘parcan’ and ‘Fresnel’ and not ever really know what they mean. But this techie was a dick, a proper bonafide dick. If anything he made me angry and so I decided that I would try my best to kick the arse out of the show just to make him feel like a twat. Then I wondered if it was him being all clever with reverse psychology and if I should be really crap and leave crying to make him feel guilty. All the other staff were lovely and the venue was brilliant, a lovely big 270 seater room. It was called the Hellfire Comedy Club and the stage had been decorated accordingly with a big devil and pretend fires which was ace and the right amount of naff in a good way. Micky Flanagan arrived and after some chat about how much money we were going to throw away in Edinburgh he told me in a nice way that the crowd could be a tad tough. So I put on my tough gear head on, which is exactly the same as my normal head only with a slight stare that makes people bacdafucup. It doesn’t. It just makes them think I have an eyesight problem.

In the first ten minutes of being on stage it became rather obvious that you couldn’t ask for a nicer gig. The crowd were brilliant, and only heckley in a helpful way. They all also seemed to have jobs that were made for me to ask them about including a man who worked as an Employment Law Consultant. This meant people go to him when they want to sack someone. He is the only person in the current climate that is raking it in. I repeatedly pointed at the devil onstage and made comparisons. We also had a man who worked in the Fire Officer Training Centre setting fire to stuff so firemen could put it out. There were many questions about did he also throw cats up trees etc and terrible puns about touching the firemen’s hoses. It was like this gig was meant to be. Micky Flanagan then went up and stormed it for 45 minutes. I swear that Micky’s gag about fingering will never ever stop being funny. Then after the interval I assumed it would all be good again, and it was, right up until I introduced Jeff Green on. I had just done some gags that had gone down well, and then got the crowd clapping and cheering for Jeff. As I turned to shake his hand I knocked my entire pint of water all over the stage and immediately lost any credibility I had. Its amazing how you can go from a high to feeling like a massive clutz within seconds. I walked off stage very quickly, where the manager presented me with a ‘Caution Wet Floor’ sign to put on the stage for a laugh. It was a good idea and would have been funny but I wussed out. I hadn’t worked with Jeff before and didn’t know if he’d mind me walking on again after I’d already ruined his intro. We both had shitty colds and the lazy bit of me just wanted to sit and wait t go home. I couldn’t help wondering though that my lack of risk taking and my abundance of laziness had robbed the crowd of some giggles. To justify it, I thought that I was probably robbing that techie of more laughs too and hoping that was the case I felt much better. I also hope he gets electrocuted when putting the mic away due to all the water. If there is any justice that will happen. Then the Employment law man could get him sacked.

Can’t blog for too long today as I need to pack and fly oop Nooorrth. I have been told by some Glaswegians that it is not that cold up there, but they are able to survive arctic temperatures so I ‘not that cold’ is probably so bad that birds are freezing mid-air and shattering on the ground. I’m not taking any more risks. I’ve got my ski goggles and snow shoes ready, come on Glasgow!