Way Past Blog Time

This blog is stupidly late. Really stupidly late. It was meant to be done at 10am this morning, but stuff happened. Nearly all stuff happened because I stayed in bed longer than I should, didn’t do stuff last night and then couldn’t leave the pub because Chris Coltrane is too persuasive with his lack-of-debt money saving coffee buying powers, but its all still stuff. I feel blog guilt though about it which is odd. Its odd because I started this blog just before New Years Day with the intention of doing it as a none New Years Resolution. The idea would be that by typing something up everyday I would get some new stand-up gags and get my brain into gear for the day. So if I didn’t blog I would just be letting myself down, which according to all teachers ever and most parents is the worst thing you could do. I can handle letting myself down though. Twice I’ve peed on the floor through drunkeness and once tried to sleep in a skip so I’m quite used to it. However I’ve since found that a few people read this and now it feels like I’m letting you down. Thats a whole lot worse and a bit like a internet version of Catholic guilt. Its lovely you all read it but it does put the pressure on somewhat. It means I actually have to write these things and I should probably put some jokes in every now and then. At the same time you are all protecting me from letting myself down again and so there will be no more virtual floor pissing. Thanks for that, sorry for today’s lateness and at the same time damn you all. Just to make you hate me more I will tell of today’s antics tomorrow otherwise there will be nothing to say tomorrow and we wouldn’t want that. Even though today has been really interesting. Like more interesting than yesterday. Loads more.

I saw Watchmen yesterday and I haven’t been as excited about going to the cinema for ages. In fact the last thing I got that excited about was Spiderman 3 which after seeing felt like my excitement had been sexually abused in a exercise of mistrust. That was a brutal experience. At least I had a warning with Indy 4. I knew that the Star Wars prequels were so astronomically shit that there was a high chance Indy 4 would suck celluloid donkey balls too. So when it did, and it did (apart from about four bits), I wasn’t too damaged. But Spidey 3 I didn’t expect. 1 and 2 were such amazing displays of a director who was delicate with the source material. Raimi carefully crafted two excellent films that pleased most fan-boys and newbies alike. Then all of sudden with 3, it was like he became the cinematic equivalent of George Bush in Iraq and ploughed through and destroyed two films worth of good history and a third film of promise by hitting all the easy targets and killing civilians along the way. Well he didn’t kill civilians but he might as well have done. PETER PARKER DOES NOT JAZZ DANCE! I don’t need to say anymore, it still hurts.

So I was scared about Watchmen. The graphic novel is a pretty damn special book. I’m not a loon who reads it for or five times a year and then dresses up as Rorschach on the anniversary of its release kicking dogs in the face, but I do like it. A lot. And it is one heck of a story with some many complex strands that I was scared the film would be horrendous. Alan Moore had already removed himself from it, although I imagine he would remove himself from any film of any of his books even if he created and directed it himself. Which he wouldnt. But if he did, he would. Even though he wouldn’t. I had also cheated and read several reviews with some loving the film version and some hating it. I knew about the lack of giant squid. I watched all the video diaries and got excited about all the trailers for Tales Of The Black Freighter, and I had also by yesterday, spoken to 12 different people who had seen it. 11 of them liked it and one hated it. Mat who had hated it tends to hate lots of stuff I like so I took it as a good sign. So after all this I was so worried that Snyder would fall into the ranks of Lucas and Raimi as a dream killer and eye rapist.

Was I let down? As far as I’m concerned, no. It was fucking fantastic. I was so relieved it was too. From the shots straight from the comic book to the brilliant performances by Jackie Haley and Patrick Wilson to the very cool soundtrack I was happy. Its a tough job editing that story down to two and half hours and Snyder did it well. The new ending was also pretty awesome. I’m sure squids everywhere feel snubbed, but it was a clever and well crafted finish to it all. Layla liked it too even though she hadn’t read the book and I was worried she’d be baffled. We then went to Wagamama’s for the same food we always eat there and intense discussion on utilitarianism and how I wasn’t just ogling Malin Akerman’s arse all the way through. I was a bit, but I didn’t want to ruin dinner. Although I am always tempted to ruin dinner in Wagamama’s by scrawling different letters and numbers on the placemats so the waiters and waitresses’ heads explode. Anyway end result, so see it. If you hate it because it isn’t exactly like the book, grow up and deal with the fact that it would have to be a six hour film if it was. If you hate it, like my friend because the acting is a tad hammy in places, remember it comes from a comic. And if you hate it because the make-up on the actor playing Richard Nixon looks shit, well fair enough. I agree with that, its terrible. And for all those who miss giant squid check this out:


That article has pretty much ensured I never swim in the sea ever again. Even though I’m sure its a group of gaseous whales farting all at the same time, the possibility I may get scooped by by giant tentacles means I am very happy with my over chlorinated pool with kids wee in it in Crouch End thanks very much. I’m sure those you enjoy calamari might be happy about it, but as far as I’m concerned its the most terrifying thing ever.

Will blog about today tomorrow. Sorry again for lateness, it won’t happen again. Except maybe when I am in Glasgow without a computer over the weekend. Oops. Oh and if you are sad about todays late blog please do find Chris Coltrane on Facebook or Twitter (@chris_coltrane) and send him abuse. He deserves it all.