So its 2009 and already everyone seems to be predicting it ain’t gonna be a great year. Last night on the Hootenany every celebrity interviewed predicted doom and gloom, while even Michael Caine on the NYE messages to London said ‘This year I think what we really need is luck, so good luck everyone.’ Of course you assume he means the financial situation but it could be that he is planning to play a lot of roulette. There’s nothing like kicking off a celebration like causing mass depression. Whoop, Happy New Year everyone, now start crying and cutting yourselves, there is no hope.
And what will the next year bring? Well here is a few of my well informed and intelligent predictions.
1) The credit crunch will reduce the pound, the euro and the dollar to the same value as potatoes. I have a whole bag of potatoes in my kitchen so I will buy France.
2) Gordon Brown’s twitch will become so excessive that his jaw will snap and consume his own head which oddly will result in everyone liking him much more than they did before.
3) Amy Winehouse will officially pickle herself. Her body will be kept in the Natural History Museum in a wine vinegar mixture. Her hair will be removed and be used to house bees.
4) Apple will bring out a new device that is like all its existing phone/music combination devices only its made out of polystyrene, called the i-foam.
5) Monkeys wont be allowed.
6) The UN will decide that for the benefit of everyone, at midnight on Dec 31st 2009, we will go back to 2008. The years will continue to go back until 1972 at which point they will just stop altogether.
7) Jon Snow will finally melt due to increasingly high summer temperatures.
8) Russia will decide to stop all gas supplies to everyone because they will be using it all for their ovens in a national cook off.
9) Guantanamo Bay will be closed, but will then re-open 18 months later as part of the Center Parcs holiday locations.
10) The cure for cancer will be revealed after years of research. Apparently the trick is to just not get it in the first place.
11) Jordan will collide with the Earth at a speed of 45,000mph causing a crater the size of Bournemouth, in Bournemouth, therefore, destroying Bournemouth.
12) Jehovah’s Witnesses will lose all faith after doing a mass survey and collating the results stating that none of them are actually viable witnesses to anything and therefore the evidence wont stand up in court.
So watch out for those events happening near you. I’ve eaten lots again today so my personal prediction is that I am now going to nap on the sofa for the foreseeable future. ‘Appy Noo Yaa to you all.