Lost Post

Our postman has only delivered mail once this week. On tuesday. That is all. I know there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this, including the possibility that we just have not had anything sent to us in ages. The problem with that theory is I know we have had loads of stuff sent to us. In fact probably more than normal, and some of them are cheques for me. So the only real explanations could be that a) our postman is crooked, b) our postman is dead and no one knows, c) our local post centre is crap, d) our local post centre has been blown up and no one knows or e) we have a new postie who’s put all our mail in the upstairs flat’s door.

I hope for the postman and post people’s sake that its not b) or d). However if it is a), then its possible that b) or d) could happen, depending on just how crooked our postie is. I mean, he could be using my cheques to fund a terrorist regime or mafia establishment. No one would expect that of a postie. Although when they put Postman Pat on in Japan they had to add an extra finger to each of hands otherwise his 3 fingers indicated he was a member of the Yakuza. That is a Postman Pat episode I’d like to see. Mrs Goggins receiving a letter that says if she doesn’t pay up she’ll have her face cut up. 
I also hope its not e). Our local postman is a funny little man who lives two doors away from us. I know this because when we first moved in he rang the doorbell. He didn’t have a package and instead handed me the post and asked me lots of questions about who we were and why we were in our flat. After cautiously explaining that we had just moved in, he said ‘Oh great, well welcome to the street I live two doors down!’ and shook my hand. He now likes to ring the doorbell just to engage in banal chat every now and then. Which will no longer happen if he is b), which would explain e). I also hope its not e) because our upstairs neighbour is an extremely dodgy little cockney man called Terry. You will note there are lots of little men on our road, which is why I feel at home here. Terry is a handy man with a grey mullet, moustache and as many items of typical cockney clothing you could mention. His wife left him some years ago and now regularly he goes to Thailand for 6 months at a time. I can’t be sure but everything about him rings of paedo. And he’s away for 6 months so I wont get that post back anytime soon. 
Also lost is Lost. Two episodes in to the new series and I’m not sure about it. Its like the politician of television shows. It never answers questions just responds with more questions or answers that seem to have ignored everything they have been asked. Apparently this is the penultimate series and I’m quite glad because after having four series of trying to get off the island, they finally do, and now the story line is that they have to get back on it. I’m sure that when they get back on it, they’ll want to get off again. Fickle bastards. If they end it with the whole thing being just a dream I will send our postman to steal all their fan mail. Or deliver shit in a bag to them. Unless of course he is b).