My face is cold today. Yes, cold. I have had to, against my will, shave off the majority of my beard for an audition I have today. I refuse to shave all of it off on account of some of my material being about it and the fact I hate my chin. Its a rubbish little measly chin, that compliments my face in the same way a car accident might. Since the addition of a hirsute mask over it, I have shaved it off only once in the last 9 years and I intend to keep this chin disguise for as long as possible to avoid people ever really knowing what my bare face is like, much preferring them to see my bear face instead. Sadly, if I get this job, it’ll mean the beard will have to go altogether as its for a kids show and there are no beards for kids shows.
I’m sure I’ve gone on about this before as the only other time I shaved it off was for a kids show pilot for CBBC that was never aired and I couldn’t understand the rule then. Bears aren’t scary. Fact. They never used to be seen as scary. Back in the 70’s and 80’s everyone had beards. Newsreaders, presenters, actors, actresses, parents, children. It was beards a go-go until someone in the 90’s decided that children must be scared of beards because it makes people look like a grizzly who’s shaved round the eyes in order to infiltrate humanity. I daresay this notion was created by someone who’s parents were killed by a bear masquerading as a human and has spent their lifetime to prevent such thing happening to others. A noble reason, I grant you, but ultimately a decision that has given children cause to be suspicious about beards when they must recognise them as a thing of joy. If you can get a hairy face, you should get a hairy face. For a start, if you need something on your body to rhyme with the word weird, you couldn’t do any better than to get a beard. Need a disguise for your chin and cheeks in case someone is after them? Get a beard. Want your face to be the same upside down? Get a beard. See? Beards are awesome.
At the moment lots of people have beards. Beards are totally back as cool things to have, along with lots of other 80’s things like uncomfortable jeans, Conservatives and Vimto. Worryingly only one of those things is cool, but add beards to that and it redresses the balance. Beards are so cool right now that these exist:
See? So why can’t I have a beard on kids TV? More so because its an art type show I’m going for (I can say no more T-Fans) and all art people have beards don’t they? Except Tony Hart. And Neil Buchanen. But Van Gogh had a beard. And Rolf Harris. And I bet lots of others did too. Its an extra paintbrush if the others break. You can hand a palette off it if you grow it long enough and tie it on the end. So many things! Well just those two things but they are two things better than no beard. I’m just saying, its a stupid rule. And thanks to that stupid rule I’m totally going to get face pneumonia. I hate you kids TV. But please give me a job.
In fact give me so many jobs I can eventually get my own kids TV show where I can do what I want and everyone in it will have a beard, even the animals and ladies and children. It’d be called Beardies and will revolve around all the adventures you can have with a beard, which are mostly the same adventures as without a beard only with a warmer or more itchy face. It will be amazing. Then the whole world will grow a beard and TV will have no choice but to screen beards then once they’ve recorded everything we’ll all shave ours off and point at them and laugh as they’ll look stupid. Win. Yey for beards!