Edinburgh Day 10

Edinburgh is a place of lots of ups and downs, and not just because there are shiteloads of hills. I mean, that does help. Hills are by nature, up and then down. Sometimes they are just down, then that’s just a slope. Sometimes they are just up and that’s not a hill at all that’s just you being fired out of a cannon. Then sometimes they are neither up nor down and that’s when it becomes a nursery rhyme. But as well as the hills, there are lots of other constantly variable elements. Its a month of rather intense working and with such things follows intense emotion and rapidly going from being elated to all a bit upset. Its like the city has been overrun with people with emotional disorders. I mean, I suppose it actually has. Us comics are all mental and the actors are worse. The people that want to see us are probably even more mental, but maybe I think that only because I’m a mental comic. Or am I? Maybe I’m delusional about that as well. And suddenly re-reading back that last sentence I have confirmed to myself that the reason I’m not hungover is because I’m still drunk. As it appears not to be safe to allow myself to wrote full sentences until I am booze free here is a simple chart of yesterday’s rather tumultuous day (when I am not drunk I do not know what tumultuous means):

DOWNS (I am not being disablist with that title, promise. Or against parts of Hackney or Epsom)

– My throat hurts. This is bad as I need my throat. Every year my throat hurts about this time of the festival. What happens normally is that the next two days are spent with me talking like a frog that smokes (not as fun as it sounds). I’d like this to stop.

– I was meant to have a day off compereing Comedy 4 Kids but sadly Susan Calman wasn’t feeling too great and needed to cancel which was totally fine but now throat is more sore and I blame the gig rather than all the booze I drank.

– I got drunk again. I tried really hard not to. When I say tried really hard, I mean I saw there was beer in the back room of Spank! and so I drank it. I am so weak.

– This: http://edinburghfestival.list.co.uk/article/19834-tiernan-douieb/ which I am now less angry about because its not even a review. He came on Friday which was one of the best days and appears to have not watched the show whatsoever, only writing two nonsensical sentences about it. I suppose this is better than writing 12 paragraphs on why he hates my face, but I’d appreciate a little feedback or constructive criticism as to why a ‘perfectly amiable show’ is only worth two stars. Wankers. All of them.

– I had to follow the Chippendales at Spank! despite being promised this year I wouldn’t have to follow the naked promo. They were right, it wasn’t the ‘naked promo’ but it was some naked men. Bollocks. Literally. There on the stage.

– I forgot to have dinner. That so rarely happens. I will have to eat twice as much today to make up for it.

Now before you all cry and start cutting yourselves, here’s the nice bits:

HIGHS (please not this section does not involve drugs or very tall things)

– I had the best show of the run yesterday. It was so so awesome. There was a diabetic in the front row and we played diabetic top trumps. I won on having been diabetic for longer, but she beat me by once having blood sugars of a 52 and having to go to hospital. There were also two people who spoke up about what they wanted to achieve in life. One of them was @kezbat from Twitter, who I met afterwards and she was lovely. I like meeting lovely people. Paul’s only note was ‘do that everyday’. Hooray!

– Comedy 4 Kids was also awesome. A grand set from Pat Monahan and top first go at it from Chris Martin who made kids fight him. Its better than it sounds. I know it doesn’t sound good but trust me, no law authority needed to be called.

– Went to see Susan Calman’s show. It is awesome. Thoroughly enjoyed and it was lovely to see how it had developed since I saw the preview some months ago. Go see.

– Everyone thinks the List reviewer is a c*nt. Hooray! People are genuinely angry. Unlike the Hulk I like it when people get angry. But only when they get angry about things like that.

– Did a show on a Pink Bus that is an old double decker bus that’s been turned into an art installation. Its covered in weird stuff and its well worth having a walk around, which you can do for £1 during the day. Then at night, because they are mentalists, they do shows on the top deck where you are surrounded by children’s toys and severed dolls heads. I loved it but also now will forever have nightmares about the doll with a melted candle coming out of its head. Wrong wrong wrong and yet right. Matt Green and Chris Stokes were also on and great, as was headliner Adam Hils. After the show Adam had to run away because at last night’s Late and Live he’d bought an audience member a ticket to Norway but had got the wrong date or something so had to go change it. So very odd, but also so very Adam Hils and so very Edinburgh.

– I kicked arse after the Chippendales. I opened with the gag ‘ I hate walking on after a bunch of cocks’, and from then on kicked the gigs arse so many miles away it would had to get a plane back. I felt horribly arrogant and pleased by this and went round giving flyers to lots of people who were very receptive and said nice things. My flyering team (who are the best flyering team in the world ever – FACT) went round giving people flyers too even though it was their night off. They are so bloody awesome. I tried to buy them drinks but they wouldn’t let me and instead one of them, Dave, bought me a drink. Madness. True madness. Actual genuine madness then ensued as I stayed at Spank! until the flyering team and me stumbled to the Loft bar and all carried on drinking with Paul B. Briefly met Jason Byrne too, who’s going to be doing Comedy 4 Kids today and its going to be awesome. I got home just after 5am. Ouch, but yey! Take that List fuckers!

– Layla gets here today! Hooray!

Today involves more show, a radio interview for student Fresh Air Radio (I’ll put it up when I get it), comedy 4 Kids with Jason B (I’m not doing it, but have to watch), Layla arriving and Old Rope tonight. Lets hope for more ups than downs today once again. That is all.

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