Wagamama’s Must Fall

Writing towards my Edinburgh show has slowed somewhat since Game Day. Not sure if its the influence of zombie attacks or simply because I’m being a lazy bastard, but yesterdays efforts simply involved me drawing squiggly lines around all the bits that I thought didn’t work very well. Instead of amending any of these bits I just drew little lines on them, then made them into fuzzy snakes. Then I drew a lion and then a man fighting the lion, then the lion fighting the snakes. Essentially its an awesome doodle of fighting within the animal kingdom. To mix it up I drew a moose and a man whose body is a single shoe. I’m not sure why. Ultimately it doesn’t matter why because none of these pictures will help my Edinburgh show get written. Not unless I had the miraculous powers of Penny Crayon and the man in the shoe happens to be a superb comedy writer. He can’t be otherwise he’d be able to afford to live somewhere better than a shoe. Anyway, if I did have such powers I’d spend a good deal of time wondering what to do about the fighting lions and snakes in my living room, not to mention the moose. I can only hope that someone will think an hour where I just talk through all my doodles will be sufficient. I will do a very good voice for the moose.

Last night I was meant to be in Manchester but I cancelled the gig. There is something quite lovely about willingly cancelling a gig. Its the equivalent of pulling a sickie at work. Except I don’t get paid. On the plus side I also didn’t have to do 8 hours of driving by myself. That was the main reason I didn’t do it. Long drives by myself wouldnt be good after so many zombie games. They are not good on normal weeks as I tend to just shout at the satnav and then find odd car games to play like dropping something on the floor of the passenger side and seeing if I can pick it up before I crash the car. Still with the money I would’ve used on some of the petrol that I might have killed myself with, me and Layla went to Wagamama’s for some grub. I love Wagamamas. I love the way that unlike a normal restaurant they serve you our food at all stupid times. They tell you they will do this, and I’m used to it, but everytime I get served last and I get annoyed. I can’t see a reason as to why this happens and I can only conclude its so they can laugh at the stupid beardy man for getting angry his has arrived last again. Still I have planned the day when I wreak my own revenge. I’ve spent every meal there for the last two years looking at all the numbers they scribble on my food mat after I order. First I thought it was just a series of numbers representing the food you’ve ordered. My second thought was that perhaps Wagamama’s only employs serial doodlers who can’t help scribbling and the insides of the kitchen and staff room are just covered in odd ramblings and pictures of cocks with some wee coming out. But further studying reveals its an entire secret code used to help the staff move around from table to table with ping pong ball velocity and keeping the whole system working. Its like how bats or dolphins use sonar. So I have been taking my own biro along and slowly altering certain numbers. I’ve seen it work where they come over to the table with the wrong order and then start sweating when they can’t work out why its not right. I’ve started sowing the seeds of destruction. My big plan is that one day I will organise a whole team of people to enter Wagamama’s in Islington, all disguised as 2-4 person groups and we shall all, on my signal, scribble over all their biro marks. I give it five minutes before all the staff just start crying and tearing their hair out. They don’t deserve it, but then again I don’t deserve to get served last all the bloody time.

I ordered the second of the only two dishes I ever get. I only ever one of these two specific dishes because I fear having to wait for ages then getting something I don’t like. I used to only ever order one dish, but I got bored one day and ordered the second one. The second one was no way as good as the first one, but every now and then I forget that and just order it again. However I remember that I have forgotten that and therefore never order anything else. As you can see the whole process is far easier if I stop it becoming a mental battle with myself and just order the one thing. The one thing I do order is never as good as it should be either. Its the Yasai Chilli Men. I like chilli and I like stuff thats fairly hot and that dish isnt. In fact even when I pour chilli oil on it, its rarely hot enough. I begin to wonder why on earth we ever go to Wagamama in the first place. I think its to fuel my constant expectation of disappointment.

I have one of those odd relationships with hot food. Over years I have trained myself out of necessity to like quite hot food. There was a period of time where tabasco and hot pepper sauce was featured on all my food ventures. Dairylea and tabasco sandwiches were a staple of my diet. This was partly because I liked them but mostly because I was a student and couldn’t afford much else. It escalated to things with dried red hot chilies in as well as chilli powder and the aforementioned sauces. Then my brother got me a sauce from the States called ‘Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally’ hot sauce. Great name and it was pretty hot, but I dealt with it with my asbestos like abilities. Then there was a sauce Mat got me from the States called ‘Dave’s Insanity Sauce’. I was defeated. One drop is good in any foods, but two and it becomes unedible. I’m fairly sure its been used as a biological weapon. Not understanding my limits I occasionally forget the ‘Two Drop’ rule and burn the shit out of my mouth and Layla doesn’t let me make food for a week.

Got a nice gig tonight in Walton-On-Thames with Danny Ward and Mitch Benn, followed by my brother’s birthday gig in Shoreditch where I will no doubt feel old and uncool surrounded by people happy to be out clubbing and wearing trousers either so tight you could suffocate a child with them or so baggy you could fill them with hot air and fly off. At least I’ll like the music. As long as there is a chair in the corner where I can doze I should be fine.

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