The Day of Days

Do the banks really deserve a holiday today? Don’t get me wrong, I think everyone else should, but in light of recent screw ups the last people to be taking time off should be the financial sector. If anything they should be working even harder and sorting things out. Perhaps doing fundraisers to work off all the debt or maybe even just saying sorry individually to everyone who’s lost money, jobs and property. It’d be brilliant if today while some people are griping about their lack of employment a knock on the door occurs. Opening it, a man introduces himself as Dave from the RBS, he sings a small song entitled ‘We’re so sorry for fucking it all up’ and then hands you some home baked cup cakes. If I ruled the world that would happen everytime a bank screwed up. At the moment there would have to be at least a few thousand dancing bankers out on the streets, knocking on doors, every day. I deserve one after my recent fraud fiasco. I’ve been charged for two bouncing bills because of all the money the people in the Philippines took off me. I want Barclays to come round in a week or so with funds in hand, and do a little performance dance piece to represent just how crap they are at detecting fraud. I’d particularly like it to be the woman at the Finsbury Park branch who look like she might at any moment go into a Jeremy Kyle-esque rant that it is indeed her baby. Seeing her attempting to use muscles she’s never used before and actually try to smile would make my day.

Today is also Star Wars day thanks to the feeble and now overused pun ‘May the Fourth Be With You’. I wait all year just to wish people that and eagerly tweeted it just after midnight. I think this might translate as some sort of problem. It would be good if today was made official Star Wars day, with perhaps George Lucas recognising it as such and calling on a parade of people all dressed as their favourite characters. People dressed as characters from the prequels would be made to walk at the back and possibly under some sort of cover so we could forget they existed. Anyone dressed as Jar Jar Binks would be withdrawn from the line and shot in cold blood. Cleverly we could tell all the bankers to dress as Jar Jar. Everyone would sing the original song from the end of Return of the Jedi, you know the proper one, where all the ewoks kept going ‘jub jub’ (I’m still sure it was ‘dub-dub’ and they were just tiny, hairy reggae fans). This would blend into a melody with the cantina music and then the Imperial March which could be well timed with walking down Downing Street, the Bank of England or Buckingham Palace. The police could take part properly and dress like storm troopers which would make the whole thing a lot more fun. Until of course a jawa was found beaten to death and the met troopers claim it was a heart attack when we all know it wasn’t. Sadly none of this would happen due to Lucas being far too busy ruining films to enjoy anything any more or allow anyone else enjoyment from them. I’m sure if we had a march like this he would add lots of unnecessary CGI and plotholes just to make us feel like we’d wasted three hours of our day and our childhood dreams had been destroyed. I always wonder if, when Lucas dies, it will be like Vader’s death in Jedi, where he will remove his beard and tell us he was really good after all and didn’t want to do that to his films but he was forced to by Spielberg. Then we will find the actual scripts for the prequels and Indy 4 hidden in Skywalker Ranch and they will not be massively shit. Doubt it.

May 4th is the date for lots of important things. It’s also International Firefighters Day, in Afganistan its Remembrance for Martyrs Day and in the Netherlands its the Remembrance of the Dead day. All these days must feel really dicked on that people think of it as Star Wars day instead of the people that stop other being burning, or the dead. Then again in the States its ‘Bird Day’ and I feel Star Wars has done more for my life than bird’s have. Star Wars has never given me the threat of a pandemic. Birds, to the back of the line with the bankers and Jar Jar’s.

Finally today is Post Wire Day. I finished watching The Wire last night. All of it. No more Wire ever. I’m not really sure what to do with myself now. There is a large Wire shaped gap already emerging in my life and I feel a bit like someone I know has left me or died. Admittedly the person I knew was a gritty US cop drama but hey, we all have one friend like that don’t we? They hang around for 1-6 periods at a time, teach you about the Baltimore drugs scene, and then leave you for a few days before returning with the death of a much loved character. It was a really good show. Now it’s gone I’m wondering if I can ever watch another TV show again without feeling like it just hasn’t lived up to The Wire. I just hope I don’t end up sending it drunken texts late at night or crying about it by some railway tracks. Alternatively I could just use the extra free time to do some work. I’m at Old Rope tonight which has a special guest headliner who cant be named but their first name rhymes with muscle and their second name rhymes with, er, Howard. I’m still not really sure who that is yet. I’m going for Brussell Choward, who I hear is really good, but underrated as no one likes Brussells. Sprouts that is, not the place.

Sorry my brain is really on a ramble today, which does not bode well for tonight’s show. All my new material will leave Brussell and the audience feeling confused. I need to focus myself. I think I will set up an illegal wiretap on the banks while dressed as Boba Fett just to encompass the day.

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