To Sleep Perchance To Sleep A Bit More

I don’t understand why, when you oversleep, you feel more tired than you did before. Surely, using the idea of potential energy, I should be able to wake up with full liveliness and now stay awake for extra long. Using the same theory I could sleep through most of May and then stay awake all through Edinburgh in August. Isn’t that what animals do when they hibernate? I thought they just slept for ages and then come spring they wake up and don’t sleep again till next Winter. I’ve never seen a bear sleeping. Saying that, I’ve never really seen a bear except on TV and once in a cruel zoo in the US where they still kept bears. I agree its mean to keep bears, but at the same time its odd that keeping bears is cruel but penning elephants in a tiny enclosure is alright. Whereas keeping spiders in small boxes is definitely fine. In fact all spiders should be kept in small boxes and all elephants should be allowed to run around as they please all over Regent’s Park.

I overslept far too much and have woken up with a headache, tiredness and a resilience to doing lots of writing I need to do for tomorrow morning. Conveniently we are out of any kind of painkiller, not least those special ones that kill pain and have caffeine in so you wake and up feel immune to pain which means you can run at lampposts very fast, among other things. Its probably all my fault for staying up far too late again. I did feel tired but got stuck in Omegle again. The first person I chatted to was an extremely right-wing capitalist. I decided that due to the anonymity of it all I would see how long I could cope with chatting to them. I broke at 4.33 when they mentioned they hated Obama and mentioned ‘Indians who stank of curry’. Thank god for the disconnect button. I wish I had had the foresight to type ‘RACIST’ in big letters before I had done, but I opted to jump quickly from a sinking sink instead. The second chat was with a kid whose first question to me was ‘Are you a paedophile?’ I thought this was extremely clever of the kid to be vetting people like this as its guaranteed to catch out any paedos that may be lurking online. Its a shame its unlikely that they would just say ‘yep, I am’ otherwise they would be a lot easier to catch.

The 13 year old was into guns which is a tad scary. I associate kids with guns as being generally quite dangerous and a threat to the future. Then he explained he was into grunge which means he’ll only kill himself or a school and then himself which is all ok. I was in that awful dilemma of wanting to tell him guns are bad and wrong, but then he sent me links to pictures of the guns and the boy in me went ‘that’s damn cool’. Sometimes the boy in me lets me down quite badly. I always fear I would be terrible at breaking up fights because child me would take over and just cheer someone on. That and my height means I could only really successfully break up a fight between smurfs.

I hosted a competition heat last night, my least favourite type of all gigs. 24 acts all doing 1.30-2 mins of material in a room with no mic and only 3 members of audience, with the rest of the audience being made up of acts crapping themselves because they were about to go on. I was expecting the worst. Oddly it was ok. Out of 24 acts there weren’t that many promising ones, with only a few showing a couple of good gags or good stage presence. What was odd is how many of them resembled current stand-ups. I remember when I started out the hordes of Izzard, Bailey and Ross Noble impersonators. But the new breed all resemble Brand, McIntyre and various incarnations of Mock The Week acts. I found this all strangely refreshing, but probably only because I am selfish and liked not feeling remotely threatened. I did very little MCing due to the large amount of acts and walked away having been decently paid and much earlier than I thought I would. This all seemed a little strange until I checked my Twitter account to see that ‘Team Tiernan’ (@misswiz @h2osarah @nwoolhouseuk @karenbirch and new member @angryfeet) had been doing cheerleading motions for me online. I had never expected such lovely online support but I praise their efforts and feel as though the brevity of the gig is down to them. Go Team Tiernan! I am now trying to persuade them to accompany me to every gig especially ones in Coventry. It can only be for the best. As long as Tommy Tiernan doesn’t try and steal them for himself….

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