Blog The First

I’ve spent the last five days in some sort of booze and food related stupor having consumed at least my own and several other large people’s body weights in nosh. In fact, if you are wondering where your own body weight in food has gone, its highly likely I’ve had it. Im sorry. When I am trying to eat less over the next few weeks, you can eat my body mass in food. Don’t feel cheated just because I am shorter than you.



This unnecessary but very festive binge has done no wonders for my brain at all. I had set out this week to blitz through a few writing projects I have to do, not least a solo show I’m meant to be previewing in February. Well done me for giving myself scarily unattainable deadlines knowing full well there will be at least one hour of 2009 that I will have to regret by 2010. That will be as well as the few hours where I will no doubt do something regrettable on my birthday in a week or so, due to attempting to block out the knowledge of aging with lots of beer. Inevitably this will instead make aging extremely obvious the next day when I wake up realising full well I, and my aged liver, can no longer handle the pain of a hangover without hiding under a duvet and whining like a maimed dog for coffee and Nurofen. Incidentally, Nurofen has taken a back seat to Anadin in recent times. The latter seems to contain higher levels of caffeine, so that once the headache is gone I become the irritating wanker that is far too sprightly the next day and can make everyone else’s hangovers much worse. There is nothing to make you feel better than other people feeling terrible.


New Years Resolutions are for people who are unable to use their own will power without a kick off point. As a clever ploy so not to seem weak, I am starting some things as of today and some as of next week. This blog is today’s target. From henceforth this shall become a daily chore. To spur me into writing mode I’m going to try and spurt nonsense in a font on a daily basis, every daily until I die, we are taken over by robots, all the computers and the interwebs explode, or I simply stop bothering. One of those things will happen, its just a matter of time.


One of the other targets are to get a bit healthier. I felt out of breath after putting our food shopping away today, and that is the pinnacle of fatness. The problem is that I like food and I think its a massive crime against humankind that fat, sugar and other bad stuff taste great and healthy food tastes shit. Anyone who’s religious should look at that fact and realise that there can’t be a God when thats the case. The bland sick taste of oatmeal proves without doubt religion is lies.


My last target is to survive the recession without having to live in a box, or worse, back at my parents’ house. I read an article on a website today recommending ways to get extra money in the credit crunch and one suggestion was taking part in medical trials. I am now avidly trying to find one that will make me both healthier and pay me, so I can hit two birds with a massive hammer in the face. Fingers crossed I don’t instead end up with a huge elephant man like face. Still, it would mean your share of food the size of my body weight would increase, so its not all bad.

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