I’M HAVING A DAY OFF TODAY! Well, sort of. Its a day off where I have to do some things and may even have to gig. Which means its possibly not a day off. But so far, I’ve done not a lot, so its been a morning off. Apart from going for a run, dealing with emails and phone calls. Sigh. Its so not a day off. Well that ruins that then. I had totally convinced myself it was one until you started asking question. You bloody ruin everything. Excuse me, I’m going to have a veggie sausage sandwich………..
………..Right. That was yum. Where were we? I’m having a day off. But despite this day of nothing that involves doing things, there are some important things to address. Like letters. Arf. And Italian women. Arf, but less of an arf as that’s a shit gag. (They wear ‘address’. No? NO? No.) So let’s get started so I can start enjoying pretending I’m not doing all the things I’m doing, ultimately not doing any of them, then getting even more stressed tomorrow with double the things I need to do.
Is it just me, or is this the most ridiculous page ever to have existed on the BBC website? Its one thing when a policeman or someone gets an image of a terrorist or mass murderer who’s suspected to have done something, just after they’ve done it. But a fox? Of course its not certain whether the fox is the same one that bit the babies, its a fucking fox. They ALL LOOK THE SAME. I can’t imagine the mum sat down after it had happened, giving a witness statement saying ‘well he was orange like, with pointy ears’. Why are the police even involved? If its not to question why the mum didn’t notice a large fox biting her children and look into the high level of neglect that must have been involved, then they should probably leave it to the RSPCA. Or whoever it is that is in charge of closing windows and doors. Suddenly the tabloids and idiots have gone bat shit over the fact that foxes exist. Since fox hunting was banned, the foxes have obviously all banded together and worked out they can now eat babies without anyone being able to do anything. They are clearly doing all of this maliciously and on purpose. Or more likely, they are just foxes. That one that’s in the Fox and the Hound was well cool. So was Robin Hood and Fantastic Mr Fox, so lets all just calm down. My brother has some foxes in his garden. They haven’t yet eaten his face. In fact, all they do is bring him rubbish. The other day they brought him someone else’s post. As long as he can train them to get his post, they will no longer need a postman. A postfox who collects from the postbox would be ace. More likely the tabloids would complain they eat babies and take people’s jobs. Also they won’t do this as my brother throws things at them and they go away. He is not afraid as they are just foxes.
So if it looks like a fox is going to eat you or your babies, just kick its face off. Its only a fox. That’s all I’m saying.
– Big Brother started last night and I didn’t watch it. Ha, take that Davina. I probably will get sucked into watching it at some point, but I’ve already noticed, that much like every year, they’ve selected a bunch of twats that will all get on/shag/argue/fight each other so that other twats can watch them sympathising with what utter twats they are. It really is the most terrible program ever, but its the last series so hopefully they’ll just step it up a notch and kill them all at the end. Or it will turn out one is terminally ill or a serial killer or something horrible and everyone will realise what a horrible exploitative show it is. Then it will be all finished and they will replace the void on Channel 4 with a picture of a dead clown and some white noise which will ultimately be a step up the culture ladder.
Or more likely it will do well and the spin off Slightly Smaller Sister will take its place, where women of diminutive stature shack up together for 7 years and have to work together to reach things as part of tasks. Lets all pray for the dead clown.
– Just about everyone seems to be in the race for Labour Leadership. I’m wondering how I can give it go? Any ideas? I’d like to be in charge of something, and if I was in charge of Labour I could go to the Houses of Parliament and everytime Cameron spoke I could go ‘unuh unuh’ until he gave up. I think the winner of Big Brother should get to lead the Labour party. I’d watch it then.
– TICKETS FOR MY EDINBURGH SHOW ARE NOW ON SALE! Yes, that’s right. You can buy tickets to see me in my lovely venue at the lovely Edinburgh festival now. So please do. Pleasey please do. My show will be ace. Promise. Here’s the link, and expect me to post it just about everywhere. Twitter, Facebook, my website, your emails, carrier pigeon delivery, the postfox. They will all be going on about it constantly till August, so why not just buy them and sell the run out and then I will stop? Yes it sounds like blackmail. It sort of is.
– Lastly the ever awesome www.londonisfunny.com website have put the Spotlight on me today, which is nice. I wrote some answers to some questions they had. One has percentages in. Have a read: