As of today I have blogged everyday for an entire year! That’s 365 blogs, which is 8 million paragraphs, 670 trillion sentences and 900 bazillion words*. I’ve used more words than you’ve had accidents on a space hopper**. There have been some cheat days, and there was the one day in Bestival where I was completely unable to blog and Layla did it for me:
Some have argued that was my best blog. They are people who I think smell of buckets of poo. Apart from those few though I have written lots of things and all for my one reader Randolph that reads it. So as today is a special anniversary blog of sorts, it shall be split into two sections. Firstly, the best of the year, where I hand pick the best blog of each month. Yes its hugely self indulgent, but its also my blog so I can self-indulge if I want to. Its suddenly become clear why those weren’t the lyrics for Cyndi Lauper’s song. It wouldn’t have caught on quite so well. Secondly , I stupidly asked people on this blog and on Twitter what they’d like to see in my year of blogs blog so that section is for them and their stupid requests. Gooooooo blog!
T’s Blog Picks:
Over the year I’ve written some stuff that I’ve managed to turn into comedy material, some stuff that has made me wonder why on Earth I write every day when I have so little to say, and some stuff that’s made people worry that I should be admitted to some sort of home. Here, just for you, are a list of the best blog from each month of my year of bloggery:
BLOG THE FIRST – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2008/12/blog-first.html
I only wrote two blogs in December, so here’s my very first blog ever, under the title Things To Say and Douieb. I wrote some before this but they all had a striking resemblance to something written by a turd with a turd pen and were as infrequent as my paychecks. If you read through it you will see my target to get healthier has hugely failed and I’m in the same slob like position as I was 365 days ago. Nice to see me create my targets and fail them all massively. Actually I haven’t failed them all. I did survive the recession. This is mostly because I have been poor my entire life so I don’t think I noticed any difference.
LOST POST – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/01/lost-post.html
My post has never become any more frequent. The man upstairs disappears for even longer amounts of times. In fact once he was gone so long his brother-in-law knocked on our door asking if we’d seen him. We hadn’t, so me and Layla then suspected he might be dead. We made an agreement not to call the police until we smelt things. The man upstairs has also done nothing to rid himself of my suspicions that he is a big paedo. When myself and Wendy Wason taught her daughter’s class stand-up at her primary school, the entire class wrote me a thank you card. It was accidentally posted in the door upstairs and I have never ever seen it since. I am worried its been used for all the wrong reasons. I did watch the rest of that season of Lost too. If the final season doesn’t answer things I will personally send JJ Abrahms some nasty things. Not that they’ll get posted to him anytime soon.
COMEDY 4 DEVIL KIDS – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/02/comedy-4-devil-kids.html
I am still scarred by the incident and hope the kid in question has been run over.
SAW – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/03/saw.html
This was still my favourite day of the year. Our new sofa is awesome, but I can’t help but look forward to the day I slice its stupid sofa face in two and kick the fuck out of its stuffing. Sometimes I wonder if I’m in the wrong job.
Here was what the sofa looked like when I totally slayed its furniture head:
ESSENTIAL WAITROSE – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/04/essential-waitrose.html
DAY OF THE DEAD – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/04/day-of-dead.html
Two from this month. Read the first one mostly but the second one’s first two paragraphs are a story that I kept forgetting to tell in my Edinburgh show. I might do it on Jan 8th when I do my show for the last time. But I’ll probably forget.
ROSIEGATE – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/05/rosiegate.html
This event is one of many awful things my cats have done and another notch in the wall towards me supporting the fur trade. Luckily this hasn’t happened since, or if it did I would invent a cat-a-pault and launch the little shitwagon over several houses.
Au REVOIR MA BARBE – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/06/au-revoir-ma-barbe.html
The death of a beard. Its back now of course, but at the time, I felt positively cold faced. I also really need to start a book with that sentence. Maybe that will be a target for 2010.
INFLATABLE COCKS – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/07/inflatable-cocks.html
No need to read this blog but skip down to the picture. Still one of the best bits of drunken vandalism I have seen to this day.
EDINBURGH DAY 18 (AND SOME OF DAY 17 TOO) – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/08/edinburgh-day-18-and-some-of-day-17-too.html
The best day at the Edinburgh Fringe 09. I still haven’t recovered from it. I mean I have but its more fun to blame Mark Watson’s 24 hour show for any following fatigue. I will try and carry this blame incase I ever suffer from ME and can sue him.
YE OLD BLOGGE SEPTEMBER 19th 1464 – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/09/ye-old-blogge-september-19th-1464.html
The first and last blog I will ever write as a pirate.
WEAK VEGETARIAN – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/10/weak-vegetarian.html
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE HIGHWAYS AGENCY – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/10/open-letter-to-highways-agency.html
This month gets two. Sadly the second one was never responded to by the highways agency. Should it happen again I will get really angry and write an even more angry letter. Then calm down and forget about it. That’s how I roll.
MR MEN(TAL) – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/11/mr-mental.html
BEARS – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/11/bears.html
Two again. One would think that I liked my blogs even more in the last few months. Actually its more that I remember these better and can’t be arsed to sift through all the old ones. Laziness overrides arrogance.
And two for this month as well:
FUTURE MAN – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/12/future-man.html
A small tale what I wrote to honor International Pretend You’re A Time Traveller Day
THE MYWAY CODE – http://tiernandouieb.blogspot.com/2009/12/myway-code.html
Some useful tips for driving.
And now we’re back to doh.
One thing I have learnt from all this blogging is that whenever you ask people to comment on something you’ve written they don’t. Also when you don’t ask people to comment they don’t either. Essentially I’m fairly sure no-one reads this blog ever. However I felt I should ask the people what they’d like me to blog about today and unfortunately they all came up with crap responses. My second lesson learnt, never trust the opinion of the public. So in response to the few things what I got replied to, here you go:
PENGUINS (as requested by @lobsterlinguini)
I became caught on a loop of wildlife programs this morning, starting with Michela Strachen on channel 5 harping on about some tiny alligators and just generally being excited that she is still on TV despite her skin looking as though someone has stuck a vacuum cleaner in the back of her head and sucked all her insides out. This was then followed by a program about penguins, with possibly the most monotone presenter I’ve ever heard. I can’t remember his name as it was droned out of my memory by the dulcet sounds of boredsville. However, with mute on, it was an awesome show. I’ve decided that whenever you see footage of penguins walking it is best to imagine the theme tune from the A-Team or something similarly action based. I also learnt that there are a type of penguins called ‘macaroni penguins’ which brings a whole new meaning to ‘macaroni cheese’ which I will now never eat again. Macaroni penguins discard their first eggs only looking after the second and third ones. The first then become bait for predators and they let the little penguin foetus get attacked to crappery. They are the Chinese government of the bird world. I also saw an advert for DulcoEase, a tablet that softens your stools. You know you are watching channel 5 when these sorts of adverts appear as it applies to their usual target audience of thick shits.
‘PUT YOUR HEART AND SOUL INTO IT FOR ONCE / PUT YOUR DICK IN IT’ (as requested by @tomsearle)
This blog now contains both my heart, soul and dick. Why not use them to create your own weird sort of Tiernanstein’s monster? It would mostly pump blood around its cock, which it would use to hop about on, mostly to seriously good soul music. Something to do on New Year’s Day methinks.
PICCADILLY AND OXFORD CIRCUSES (as requested by @misswizz)
Some time ago (it may have been on this blog) I stated that I have constant disappointment that Oxford Circus and Piccadilly Circus are not real circuses. This also applies to Cambridge Circus and any others of the same name. Don’t go getting my hopes up only for me to find a distinct lack of firebreathing jugglers and men in top hats keeping lions at bay with chairs. It seems to be a trend for certain places to raise expectations only to slam them down by providing nothing of the sort. Covent Garden for example. Where is the garden? I see only crate slugs getting money for doing fuck all, but silver painted fuck all, and a paperchase. I want garden! I suggest this becomes the campaign for the teenties or whatever stupid name this decade has. How much happier would you be if everywhere contained its namesake? Ealing Common could be filled with real commoners. Holborn could have an entire factory that makes holes. Knightsbridge – knock down Harrods and get a big bridge that’s guarded by a man in armour with a sword. Out of London you’ve got places like Winchester which should be a huge competition where the victor wins the North West city of Chester. And so on and so on. Lets get together and do this people. If we can make Rage Against the Machine Christmas number 1, we can make sure Gaydon is where the homosexual mafia leader is based.
A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT ME ( requested by @MrLisaKeddie)
AND ME. AN ODE TO US WIMMINS ( requested by @thesophie)
There’s no wimmin of a higher pedigree
Then the lovely Lisa of Keddie
Always a smiling and never a frown
Plus her fringe only cost Five Pound
Johnson can be slang for a cock
But Sophie Johnson wears only a frock
For a lady is she, and definitely not a he,
Tho’ peek under her dress an’ you’ll be shocked
Ah lovely wimmin,
They should all get a trophy
I likes them all
From the small ones to tall
But the bestest are Lisa and Sophie ***
That’s it! A whole year of bloggery. What will next year bring? Well more words probably. And if not, maybe semaphore or ancient pagan symbols. If you have any words, symbols, or pictures you would like to see more of, please let me know. I am now going to improvise away my whole day in preparation for tonight’s fun at the London Comedy Improv Christmas Thang at the Phoenix. I’ve plugged this loads already, but if you’re stuck for something to do tonight, trust me, it’ll be awesome. Here’s the linkery:
* please note these facts are all lies.
** this fact is true. Unless you are Hughbert Jameson the unluckiest Space Hopper racer in the world.
*** Layla is actually the bestest. She will fight you both Sophie and Lisa. Be wary.