Opinions eh? Who’d have ’em? Only fucking idiots I reckon. Well only idiots would have opinions that are different to the opinions I have. I mean, why on Earth would anyone ever think anything different to me and the way I think things with my brain? Seems implausible. I mean there are only a finite amount of books, articles, areas of culture and learning to know and understand, so surely everyone has taken in exactly what I’ve taken in, looked at the exact set of facts I’ve looked at and come to exactly the same conclusions? If you haven’t then I have no option but to assume you’re wrong about everything you say. 100% wrong. So I’ll tell you because you need to know. Even if I don’t know you, or follow you, I’m going to hunt you down and tell you in an aggressive manner then probably use a swear or two whilst insulting you for being left wing or right wing or the middle bit of a bird depending on what I can glean from the one tweet or Facebook status I’ve seen that clearly and definitively defines everything you’ve ever thought in your life. I use this skill to class myself as a sort of online Derren Brown. If you express an opinion on one subject, I won’t look at anything else you’ve said, because I don’t need to. I’ve already decided what sort of prick you are.
And you are a prick. I know that, because you don’t think what I think and I’m definitely right. Because you’ve made that comment about something in the news you’d probably joke about children with cancer wouldn’t you? Or because you’ve posted that link to facts from an official government website that contradicts what they’ve just said, that means you definitely don’t know anything about it and clearly have your head stuck far up your own arse. No I won’t read those facts. I don’t need to. I’ve never read facts because I’ve read that one article I believe so I don’t need your ‘proper bit of information’. How dare you even suggest that? Because you’ve retweeted, shared, looked at, commented on, seen in your peripheral vision something by someone I once saw on telly being a twat/speaking funny/saying a word I didn’t understand, then I know you definitely think everything they think and have ever thought like a less better looking clone of them. I’ve decided that based on the really tiny little picture on my screen and even if it’s a drawing I can glean exactly what your face and whole body look like and it makes me sick. If you’ve really upset me, then I’ll just tag your name into a tweet I’ve written about you that I’ve decided you needed to see because it’s important you know exactly what I think of what you’ve done. And if you post that you liked something I didn’t like, or didn’t get, you need to know exactly how much I hated it. Yeah I could just leave it alone but what good would that do when I can vilify you for ever saying anything?
Yeah of course I believe in debate and allowing people their opinions, which is why I’m telling you you’re wrong and you shouldn’t ever be allowed to say that. What yeah? Of course I believe in freedom of speech. This is a democracy isn’t it? We live in a first world country don’t we? Which is why you shouldn’t be allowed to talk, express anything or even go outside because it’s thoughts like yours that have made this country awful or broke or unfair or full of people I don’t like but have never met and judged on the basis of someone else’s thoughts. It’s people like you that let this place down by making it awful or increasing crime by letting criminals roam free or not exactly what I want from my constantly frustrating and often ultimately disappointing life. So stop talking, stop tweeting, and stop thinking you inhuman, vile, disgusting example of independent ideas. Oh you’ve blocked me. Coward. Well I’ll just tell everyone that follows me to harass you too, and then we can all talk about stringing you up and hanging you like the nasty piece of work you are. How fucking dare you be alive.
No of course I wouldn’t say this to your face in the outside world. I’m not a monster.