Umpteenly Clean

We have 5 tubes of toothpaste in our bathroom. Our flat is hugely lacking in decent food, we’re nearly out of shower gel, and its definitely lacking in cash. However, need some toothpaste? We have a veritable fuckton of the white stuff. I’m not sure how we’ve collated so much gnashed cleansing product – one L won in possibly the most boring competition ever, and one I had to buy on the road the other day after forgetting both toothpaste & my toothbrush (1 nil to Chris Evans, sigh) on the way to a gig – but the other three seem to have just grown out of the first two. The damp conditions of our bathroom have possibly caused them to spawn life and be able to breed. Sure its great in some ways. I am never going to worry about whether or not I can tend to my teeth on any one day. I will be able to to happily chomp into toffee apple after toffee apple or crunch way through large lumps of wood or concrete should I choose, knowing full well I could return home and use a tube of paste on each section of my mouth bones and still have a whole tube left for a rainy day. If bones are no longer white, at home teeth whitening is possible but an em I don’t only brush my teeth on rainy days. That would lead for a very anti-social summertime.

So while there are those few good points, there are also several bad points. Like the fact that everyday I open on bathroom cupboard to see five whole tubes of toothpaste just sitting there being all pointless. No one every needs that much toothpaste. Sure, it sounds like I’m making a fuss over nothing, trying to string a mostly pointless blog out of a very tedious fact about our flat, but its something that just gets on my nerves much like when people stop a microwave before it finishes and don’t press the cancel button to change the timer back to zero. Oh that never hurts anyone, oh it doesn’t damage the world in anyway whatsoever, but it still irritates the hell out of me, and requires me pressing the ‘cancel’ button asap to stop the the possibility of 27 seconds of heat just waiting in microwave limbo. With the toothpaste, I that it’s just that toothpaste has no other use than cleaning teeth.

Some people believe it helps deal with spots but in my experience it merely makes your face stink of mint and look like you have a terrible skin drying disease leaving large white patches. Sure this detracts people’s glares from your spots but I can’t imagine your image gains anything from this. Does it have any other uses in the world? I bet it would fuck up slugs. It could probably blind a tiger, at least temporarily. I bet if you put enough of it in a car exhaust the car it wouldn’t work. Thing is, we don’t get slugs in our house, there certainly any tigers despite how often I wish they’d come for tea and I don’t want to put toothpaste in my car’s exhaust as I need to use it. Even worse is that last time I saw my dentist, she told me to take less care of my teeth, so I have to only brush once a day. So consequently five tubes of toothpaste just sit there slowly lessening in content. There will be one terrible day where they all run out and we’ll be so used to not buying toothpaste that none of us will know what to do, running around with constantly manky, stinky teeth and a sense of despair. Then we’ll be attacked by slugs and tigers and die. Probably.

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