Mind Numb

I’m sure I’ve complained about this loads in the last few weeks (I never re-read my blogs. True story. You could tell me that last week I wrote about that cyclops that killed my cat and I’d totally believe you), but I am stuck in a massive writer’s block. If Writer’s Block was a place, I’d be in the flat on the 14th floor where the lift is broken, the stairs smell of wee and my only window looks out onto an air vent. My cupboards would only have tinned food in, the TV would be stuck on one of those endless sales channels where people insist they are enjoying selling china ornaments of Jade Goody over and over again, and I’d only have those mini-books on the shelves that people read once when they are on the loo, chuckle maybe twice throughout and then find a place to hide them. That’s how bleak my writing brain is right now. Add that to the fact that I’ve just read three Walking Dead graphic novels in quick succession (volumes 12-14 geek fans) which ended on the most miserable note since Massive Attack put that horrible wave sound for 3 minutes as an extra track on 100th Window (if you haven’t heard it, don’t. It makes my ears want to cry with dull).

I blame a number of things for my inability to make happy quips. A comic needs inspiration from somewhere and lately, I have been surrounded by dull. This article yesterday, by Stuart Jeffries in The Guardian sums it up nicely:

THE NEW BORING

 

As far as I’m concerned, that nails it. Society is really boring right now. I got caught watching some pap for Children in Need on BBC1 last night as organised by Tory Boring King Gary Barlow, and felt glued to the screen even though every second of Jamie Cullum singing with Hugh Laurie felt like it wrenched creativity from my very soul, threw it under a dog and let that dog crap on it. I held on till Guy Garvey and Elbow helped replenish tiny bits of joy, heard Fearne Cotton announce JLS and turned off the TV quicker than a neutrino (yeah! Current reference!), before condemning myself to read about zombies. Ironic really as most people watching that shit resemble zombies far better than any horror creation. Apart from Frozen Planet though, and watching Adventure Time and Louie on my laptop, there is nothing exciting on telly at all. It’s all just bland.

Then why not write about the real world Tiernan? Well I will, and I have been but it strikes me more and more that while when playing fun small non paying clubs around the country during the week people will happily get on board with some chat about the Eurozone crisis and how evil Cameron is, the big payers at the end of the week have audiences of people who want the comedic equivalent of easy listening. Please don’t remind us at the end of a hard week’s work just how shit things are, please just point out things in the world that are obvious and we all know are funny without having to read.

Add to this that its cold, actually cold now, I’m generally happy in life and I just want to hide under my duvet with an X-Box game and zombie books and wait until global warming kills off all the incompetent people in the world so we can have fun again. Sorry. This blog wasn’t meant to end like that. During writing I got a phone call saying my gig for tonight and tomorrow has moved from Watford to Basildon and I honestly felt seconds away from just putting my face through my laptop screen as I think about how many times I might have to talk about ‘vajazzles’ just to get a laugh. This was posted on the Guardian today:

THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE STORE

Bring it. I’m ready now.

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