Shopping For Dummies

Every once in a blue moon – a phrase that much like many others, bothers the crap out of me. When is it ever a blue moon? Sure, that’s why it indicates a rare occasion, but why use something that never happens? Why not, ‘every once in an eclipsed moon? Jesus people. Sort it out – I have a day for me. This sounds horribly self-indulgent, and yes, yes it is. I have some dosh and I fully intend today to be spent using that dosh to buy some new trainers and new clothes. I rarely buy new clothes ever and as a consequence a large number of items I own are worn through to the point of looking like hand-me-downs. Add this to the fact that I am a tad more svelte than before (only a tad mind), means I only have about four tshirts I can actually wear and two pairs of jeans that I am so attached to, its a wonder they haven’t grafted themselves onto my legs assuming that they are merely an outer layer of my skin. This would be useful during winter and should I ever fall off a bike, but showering would be difficult as I became ever more waterlogged and unable to leave the bathroom with any ease. I suppose another plus side would be that jeans never really go out of fashion, so at least I’d seem somewhat current all the time. But in reality, this shouldn’t happen so I need to get some new snappy new gear, some trendy new threads, some kickin’ wears and other phrases that prove I’m old and haven’t got a clue anymore.

This is my main issue today. I really don’t have much of a clue. I have been secretly hoping and waiting for the trend of fashion that’s gone through retro 70’s and retro 80’s in the last few years to roll back round to retro 90’s so that I can just stay wearing exactly the sort of thing I always have. Rather than being cool, I’d then seem way ahead of the game and get classed a fashion guru till it rolled round to retro 00’s again, which in turn will be some counter form of retro 1870’s or something. Previously when shopping for garments, I’ve had some sort of lady folk with me to help me not make stupid decisions. They have been there to state ‘no don’t buy that. It may make you look like a Transformer, but trust me, that’s not cool’, ‘you’re in the women’s section, you need to go over there’ and ‘you don’t need another plain black tshirt’. All of those sorts of comments have saved me from doing what I do whenever I shop by myself, and that’s buy 3 things, 2 of which never ever get worn and eventually get thrown into the depths of charity shop collections as pristine as they ever were. The other things these female fashionatas have always helped me with is by making me try stuff I would never ever think of trying before. Such as holding up a colour that I would only ever associate with being sick or being a camp wizard, only for them to be insistent and I wear it, and it works. They have special women eyes for this sort of thing.

So today, I step forth into the breach by myself. I feel I’ve learnt enough over the years not to fuck this up too much hopefully. Sigh. I fully expect to come home with 6 black t-shirts, some women’s jeans and a hat from the Disney shop.

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