iHog

If there is anyway to prove friendship better than the way I proved to my friends Ali and Sam last night that I am a true friend, then let me know, for I doubt anything could be quite such a testament. As I was on my way out to theirs yesterday, my iPhone 4 got delivered. Against all excitement, wanting to jump up and down a bit and play with all the new gadget bits, I simply placed it down and left it to be tampered with on my return. I know. I know. Could anyone be a truer friend? Leaving their new boys toy to go and see friends instead? No. I think not. Crown me Friendy McFrienderson, let me join Friends of the Earth, let me hang out with Rupert Friend, for I am an uber friend. Having now spent some time with my iPhone 4 this morning – I made it tea, had a chat, got to know it a bit, then when it felt suitable, pressed all the right buttons and turned it on – I’m not as impressed as I wanted to be. Sure its all shiny. Sure it has a better camera. Sure it has a compass. Hang on, why does it have a compass? It has a maps system. There is no need for a compass, no? I mean if I was somewhere where the maps weren’t working, then I doubt the compass would work either. I have rarely been in a situation where stumbling around somewhere all a bit lost, I’ve wondered just whether or not I was heading north or south rather than ‘how do I get home?’ Or ‘how did I get here in the first place?’ Or ‘why have I only got one shoe?’ Compass, schmompass. Maybe I haven’t played with it enough but having not read any of the briefs or anything like that, I fully assumed my new iPhone 4 would be able to fire me into space, shoot lasers and predict the future. It does none of these. Though I have heard if you get them hacked they can paralyse large mammals. Maybe. I’m still going to talk about it to everyone ever and pretend its brilliant all the time because I am shallow. Huzzah!

It was good I left the tPhone at home yesterday because Ali and Sam have a much better new toy to be excited about. This is Harvey the hedgehog:

Bit of a legend? Yes. Totally. After a nice meal and a catch up, we all sat like bemused children just watching Harvey run around the carpet shitting everywhere, climbing on this and going through the weird process of anointing. This is where he smells something he likes but hasn’t smelt before, and therefore foams at the mouth and licks the foam over his spikes in order to remember it. Its all very strange but I’m sure I’ve seen people do it before in Greggs. For something so small as well, his turds are hugely potent. Like tiny toxic bombs of stench mayhem. In fact, despite his petite spiky self, he is impressive in many ways. He insists on climbing things and throwing himself off them and not caring when he lands, like a confused stuntman. Harvey also appears to much stronger than he should. Ali and Sam had to bathe him, because at 5 weeks old he is going through puberty, which obviously saves him the embarrassment of breaking his voice whilst at school, but also means his spikes are falling off and regrowing and need to be washed off. During the simple process of bathing I was yelled to help as he has shat down Ali’s cardigan, got his foot tangled in her hair and then was trying to leap out of Sam’s hand. One tiny hedgehog required three people to deal with him. As far as I’m concerned hedgehogs rule. I’ve promised I’m going to teach him the Green Cross Code and explain to him the hierarchical system in Farthing Wood just so he knows.

The only thing I wasn’t a fan off was that he has to eat mealworms. Mealworms are the larger version of snackworms and the smaller version of threecoursedinnerworms. They are properly grim and have four tiny legs. I do not like this. I like it less that they are frozen and come back to life once alive. They are the Ripley or Captain America of mini-beasts which makes me fear them some. I’m glad there are hedgehogs around to eat them.

Two small other notes:

I have decided to grow my beard properly till after Bestival. I’m going to see how this goes. At the moment it is going itchy. However I used less face wash today, so win. Expect regular picture updates soon.

Also, I’m going on a man date with Matt Blair later today to see Scott Pilgrim. A Scott Pilgrimage if you like. I’m very proud of that term. Very proud. By man date I don’t mean an obligation handed down by a political body. No I mean two geeky men, going to see a geeky film and eat popcorn. Expect much over the top excitement for the next three days and possible repeat viewings if I love it as much as I expect.

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