Fringe Day 6: Swings and Roundashits

Well it had to go wrong at some point didn’t it? I mean surely the whole point of karma is if you are going to have several ace days in a row, it needs to come crashing down like a turd in the face with nails in it eventually doesn’t it? I will note, right now, that I am being a bit of a drama queen with that statement, but today is generally one of those ones where I am considering spending entirely in bed. I like my bed in Edinburgh. My Bedinburgh as I’ve decided to call it. Its extremely comfy and thus far, when in it, I haven’t had to put on any type of show or if I have, numbers haven’t been an issue. Read into that what you will. In fact, don’t. There really is nothing to read into. Essentially, yesterday, whilst filled with some nice bits (these shall be listed below shortly) contained several un-nice bits. The worst of these was that my show didn’t happen. This was due to an entire lack of audience. Only one ticket was sold and while I could’ve put on a private performance, I didn’t think that one punter would’ve wanted me to be his or her tiny dancer. So, consequently, I had a day off when I really didn’t want a day off.

There is something so hugely disheartening about working on something for months and months and months and putting a lot of effort into it, only for no one to witness it. I know I’m going to lose a lot of money this year. I honestly don’t expect any sell outs or awards or even necessarily anything to come from this fringe. All I want is to do my show for people. People, not person. I’m hoping it picks up again this evening or I’ll start to consider just going home and reciting it infront of a mirror and saving my money.

My problem is, I really can’t be miserable. I’m trying today. Really really trying. But so far trying has involved me telling Tom he’s a ‘garage’ and various other things (this works by whenever he says something eg ‘is that a garage’, I respond with ‘you’re a garage’. This has escalated to him now being a ‘panini’ and ‘not a Scottish Institution’). Also, I keep remembering that apart from the shitstorm of my lack of show, and a couple of other not nice things that shall be excluded from bloggery, yesterday was actually good. Here’s some good thangs from Sunday:

– Turns out Keith Farnan and Tiernan Douieb’s free pub quiz at the Cow Cafe on Sundays – or as we like to call it ‘Have I Got Moos For You’ – is the awesomest pub quiz ever, despite some very hard questions. It also turns out Keith can’t do film noir and I can’t do a spaghetti western. It shall happen again next week and if you’re lucky I might do a dalek voice again.

– The Stand Late Show is excellent. I did a set. I think it went well. I was drunk. I really honestly don’t know.

– I tried Red Eye, which is tomato juice in beer. Sounds wrong but totally works. It was all the Johansson’s fault and I may now be a tad addicted. Though I will have to call it beermato juice. This and the peamar buttmite sandwiches state that this is a week for experimentation. I worry what will happen today. If anyone finds me drinking a smoothie with petrol in it, please stop me.

– Steph Ashford has made me a full bag of the awesomest food to keep me alive during Edinburgh. This is truly brilliant. I like food bags. Not the cellophane ones. Though they are handy for sandwich keeping. You can’t eat them though. Or maybe you can. Uh oh. Experiment number three might involve choking on plastic.

– I kissed Michael Legge. Well only on the cheek. Take that how you will.

– Second day of Quiz In My Pants was much fun. Yesterday’s had me improving a mating ritual that anywhere else could possibly get me sectioned. It is an awesome show and its free, so you should all go to the Dragonfly at 4.20 everyday to see it.

That is it. Brief blog today cos I’m going to have a walk and think about how to persuade people to come and see my show. I may just do it all in dalek voice. Or in my Bedinburgh. Or both. Experiment number 4 sorted. This is of course if I have a show to do. Sigh.

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