Calculomaniac

Warning. This blog may be a tad steamy and hard to cope with for some readers. For a start, throughout the duration of typing this, I’m wearing my new shorts, and exposing all leg from the knee downwards. Phew. Is it hot in here or what? What? Oh. What. Oh. Well the next sentence is even more sexytime….I just had my last proper shower for the next three days. Wowzers. Showers? Filth? Someone call Jilly Cooper and tell her to back the fuck up! In fact, can someone do that anyway? She’s a proper tool. The reason for all this action is because in about T-Minus one hour I am heading to Camp Bestival. I really wish everytime I said ‘T-Minus 1 hour’ I would get an hour younger. Maybe if everyone did it I’d get reduce in age? Don’t all say it just incase I end up 3 years old again and whilst I had some pretty fun times in my red cap and wellies, I don’t wanna go back all that way. Yeah, so back on track, Camp Bestival. Three days of fun in Somerset where as well as doing a comedy set for them grown up types, I’m also doing kids comedy on Sunday and reading bedtime stories to kids on Sunday night. Not randomly. Its in a tent. A big tent. I’m not just barging in on family bedtime and demanding little Billy hears ‘Where The Wild Things Are’. Which incidentally I’m not reading as it would only take 10 mins to do. So instead I’m aiming for some of Spike Milligan’s children’s books which are awesome. I’m stupidly excited. It shall be a bit like Jackanory. Only not on telly. And with me instead of someone good.

I’m actually excited about this festival. I very much aim to spend some time chilling on a grassy knoll looking over Edinburgh notes and soaking up more sun than a solar powered calculator with megalomaniac tendancies. I don’t really understand that last sentence. It sounded good in my head. Imagining the calculator saying ‘I will have all the sun’, but its not really very good at all is it? Why not just rewrite that bit yourself. These next few days are going to be the only breather I get before the Edinburgh festival and even then I still have to work of course. Yesterday was my official day off, but rather than have a day off I spent it doing a number of things. I bought camping equipment. Oh yep. Because I’m a real man. Yep yep. A lady helped me find what I needed, but that doesn’t invalidate anything. Much. Then Nat came round and we went through the trials of performing our Edinburgh shows to each other one on one, while we took extensive notes. I did this last year with Tom and it proved to be very useful. Not only does doing it one on one mean the person watching notices little things that a bigger audience may not pick up on, but also if you can perform it to one person in a living room, you can perform it to two people in a cave in Edinburgh and it’ll seem busy. Last year Tom bottled it and didn’t perform his to me, but Nat is of tougher ilk and so we spent about three hours of severe gruelling show examination.

Then I spent the rest of the evening in, trying to relax but instead flitting about between writing lists of things I need for Edinburgh, looking over my notes, finding my Spike Milligan kids books and pulling a muscle in my right arm while doing so, and watching a bit of Skins repeats and Celebrity Masterchef. The latter of which I decided would be much better if it was Celebrity Master Chief and several celebs had to see who was the best at being the leas character in Halo and shoot aliens or die. Then I lay in bed wide awake stressing about the entire world and ultimately failed to relax on the only night I could relax till September. Mega fail. For my next trick I’m going to go on holiday and spend the whole time carrying rocks up hills. Again, that sounded funnier in my brain. Stupid tired brain.

So this’ll probably be my last blog till late Sunday night when I’ll do an UBER BLOG. Yes, that’s right. If this blog hadn’t been exciting enough until now, wilt in the anticipation of the UBER BLOG, where I shall tell you all things Camp Bestival, unless I have been clobbered to death by parents who didn’t think American Psycho was suitable reading for their kids. Have a lovely weekend ya’ll. Now all calm down, and relax. And think of me in my sexy shorts. Stop. Calm. SHORTS. Calm. Phew.

And before you go, please read this and act accordingly. Ta:

FRANK CHICKENS – FAIRNESS AND CHANGE

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