The Hooded Man

Some things:

– Since I last blogged about running, I’ve been running at least 2-3 times a week. I like to think I’ve got better at it. For a start, I now actually run a bit, rather than just jog, walk, crawl, sit, cry, walk again, jog a bit, give up, stay where I am till someone picks me up. But also I was running around the whole of Finsbury Park in about 25-26 minutes and today I did it in 19. Surely that means I can win the Olympics and stuff, no? Well, clearly no. Because it doesn’t matter how often I go running or how fast or slow I go, I always get lapped by the hooded man. Yes, it appears I have gained a nemesis for the first time ever in a man who manages to overtake me and lap me at least twice during my run, whilst simultaneously wearing a very warm looking hoodie. This is so scarring to witness. Not only does he take my optimum level of health and kick it so hard in its face that it crawls over to its friend safety for comfort, but also he is wearing a lot more clothes which means it must be even tougher. I mean, it was hot today. It was like combining a run with a sauna, except the only fat sweaty man in there was me, and luckily I was wearing more than a towel, or I probably wouldn’t be allowed in the park again. In just my shorts and t-shirt though, I was boiling. The sort of hot I don’t really like. Struggling away, sweat pouring off my face as I try and maintain any sort of motion while doing the uphill bits, and just as I gain the willpower to push on, just as I change the track on my iPod to something really kick arse, hooded man appears. He reminds me of the ghost racers in Mario Kart that would always be just ahead of you and win when doing the time trials. Its like he resets when I start running and just goes automatically. And he doesn’t appear to even sweat. I hate him. I will destroy him. If I can’t ever get healthy enough to lap him, then I will just hide in a tree till he runs underneath and ambush him. Let there be a moral to this story: if you are unnecessarily healthy, then please avoid me. Its not one of the best morals, but its better that than you get jumped on by a tiny diabetic.

– Last night me and Shappi Khorsandi got totally caught out at a curry restaurant by an annoyingly sharp waiter. After the gig we had called an Indian restaurant I knew was on the way back to see if they’d be open. Shappi had tried to get them to stay open but they said they would close at 11.30. Instead of taking this as a no, we decided we would just turn up, pretend we didn’t know any different and try and get some food. So I drove like a professional curry needer and we raced up to the door for 11.27am. Slick as. I asked Shappi to go in while I parked the car. She returned again about 2 minutes later. They had told her they were closed. Fair enough. But as she went to leave the waiter said ‘didn’t you call earlier and we told you then we were closed?’ Shappi, in her expert performance manner responded with a very sheepish ‘er…noooo.’ They totally sussed her. Word of advice, if you want to try and trick a restaurant after they’ve already turned you down, don’t send in the same person who made the phone call in the first place. I have a feeling if me and Shappi hosted the Real Hustle we’d get caught everytime.

– Yesterday afternoon I spent two hours in a yoga studio pretending to be a superhero, or a superhero’s boss with Hils Barker. I love my job. Had I told my 6 year old self many moons ago that I would have a living where I got to do the same stuff I enjoyed doing in the playground, only with the awesome batman cloak made from an old black dress and the batmobile / shopping trolley my friend ‘Robin’ kept falling out and getting seriously injured, he’d have been so impressed. Had I told the 14 year old me that, he’d have said ‘wow, I grow up to be a proper loser, why don’t I just die now?’ 14 year old me was a dick.

– Yesterday’s comedy gig at the Aylesbury Civic Centre was the last comedy gig they will ever have there. No, it didn’t go that badly. In fact, it was a lovely lovely show, run by lovely people in a lovely place. Instead its because the whole venue is being turned into a shopping centre, while a private company are opening a swanky new theatre across the road. Sounds nice you might think? Well, not if you take into consideration that the Civic Centre is a wonderful venue used by the community, whilst the theatre will cost thousands to hire, suddenly meaning all those community groups will lose out. If you look at all the staff that are being made redundant because the theatre has its own private staff and isn’t interested in helping out the local area. Essentially its another example of privatization destroying local values. Expect more of this over the next five years. Sad times.

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