Super Doob

Happy Zombie Jesus Day everyone! Its today we all get together and celebrate the fact that like all the other denizens of the undead, Jesus rose again on this day (or one of the other days that is sometimes Easter Sunday, no-one’s really sure) and he went round asking his followers to eat his flesh and blood, in return for a nibble on their brains. FACT. My day today, in celebration of this is to go to Layla’s aunt’s house and to eat as much food as I possibly can. How does this celebrate Easter? Well if you work on the basis of Zombie Jesus, then he would have wanted us to fatten ourselves up as a better meal for the beardead one. Possibly. Well even if he didn’t want us to, I’m going to do that anyway. Take that Jesus! (Take That Jesus is the Jesus that only had 4 disciples, until one turned against him then him and the other four died, but came back years later and sang some very popular songs). I hadn’t given up anything for Lent, mostly because I don’t care of believe in it, but for today I shall fully believe in it, so I can pretend I have given up food and therefore need to replenish lots of days of fasting. That lunchtime is not going to know what’s hit it. It’ll be me. I will hit it. With my mouth. While that thought ping pongs around your brain, here’s some other things:

I’M A SUPERHERO

FACT number 2. I’m definitely a superhero. The evidence: Yesterday, when cutting a papaya (oh yeah, papaya, I’m proper exotic and that) I managed to hugely slice into my finger with a mega sharp knife. I like our knives being sharp and could happily spend hours sharpening our little knife stand for hours. Not the knife stand, but the knives in it. There’s something hugely satisfying about knowing that your kitchen contains the tools to slice clean through an onion, or if needs be, a ninja’s face. I like to constantly be prepared incase of a ninja or spy attack and that is just one of the many precautions I take. All I really need to do now is learn how to handbrake turn if being chased by another car and how to ski incase I need to head down a snowy hill while being pursued by secret agents. That is the only reason I will learn to ski. So I sliced through my finger with aforementioned knife, and you know what? It didn’t bleed very much. Nope. Just a little bit, I stuck a plaster on it – not because I needed to, but because I thought I probably should – and its already healed today. Proof, I think, that I have both double hard superhero skin and Wolverine’s healing factor. I won’t test this theory any other way mind you. I don’t think I need to jump from buildings or try and stop any speeding bullets and its pretty much proven I can do those, so why waste time? Now all I need is a superhero name and some spandex and I can pretty much start saving the world.

DOCTOR WHO

After my very lovely gig in Poole last night I finally got home in the wee hours (hours you most need to urinate) and watched the new Doctor Who. I’m not ashamed to say, I thought it was pretty goddamn good. I’m not ashamed to say it, because it was good and I also thought it was good, so I therefore, am as cool as everyone else. Finally. Great script, very good acting, I think I love Karen Gillian even though she’s very tall, and there were bits that were actually a bit creepy. Well bloody done Moffatt. Its as though he took everything Russell T Davies had done wrong and very quickly set fire to it and sent it into space to start anew. My fear is that the Doctor will be travelling around space and find it all again, hence the episode we saw a clip of, with James Corden in it. But overall, I was pretty goddamn pleased. If I had to gripe and I don’t, then I could be picky about how CGI aliens never look that great and how annoying the bit at the end with the flashback images of other doctors and Smith walking through it to be kickass was. But I won’t be picky. Very much looking forward to next week, if they don’t fuck it up. And I do love Amy Pond.

THE ROBERT DE NIRO GAME

A new game was introduced into our car journey last night by Chris Mayo, who in turn, had got the game from Rob Deering. Its very much a Rob Deering game because Rob is probably better at it than anyone else, but its a brilliant game and I hope it infects comedy cars all over. The Robert De Niro game simply involves one person naming a film and the next person has to name someone in that film. The next person has to name a different film that actor has been in and so on. Everyone has six lives and you are allowed three clues if you get stuck. Pretty simple huh? Yes. Except when you play it with devious people like Eric Lampaert and Chris who, as well as myself, spent the game trying to completely mess each other up. Turns out I know more about films than they do ( I won twice. I’m definitely a superhero), but none of us really know anything. I’m sure Dan Ackroyd was My Girl, but I’m not at all sure that Billy Zane was in Wild Wild West. In fact I’m fairly sure he wasn’t. I could check online, but I will just live in the lie that the other two believed me and so we’ll just move on. Anyway he probably should have been in Wild Wild West. More films need a Billy Zane in them, that way I might eventually remember who he actually is. And who Josh Harnett is. I think the trick is, some of these actors need to stop being in shit films I’ll avoid in order to help me out. Think the plan is to fully intend to read imdb.com from start to finish until I get so good I can beat Rob Deering at the game.

Right, off to prep the stomach for mega chowdown. Have a lovely Easter Sunday, or at least a happy International Landmine Awareness Day. For the latter I will drink until I get legless. Arf.

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