Inconsistent Genius

Gotta run and do Comedy 4 Kids again today, so today’s blog shall resort to the old cheaty format of some bullet points for ye:

– I am good at mini golf, sometimes. Paul Byrne says that’s called ‘inconsistent genius’ and once he’d told me that it reminded me that I am an inconsistent genius at a lot of sporting things. My favourite ever moment of genius inconsistency was about 6 years ago in the Rocky Mountains when me and some friends went to the US for our friends Luke and Megan’s wedding. One night in a bar in Steamboat Springs, a couple of local guys challenged me and my friend Mat to a pool game. We took them up on this offer and proceeded to slay them triumphantly. I was a bit drunk and can’t really play pool but that night I pulled more trick shots than a magician with a gun fetish. One in particular involved hitting the white up on the side, where it rolled along, going back onto the green just in time to knock the desired snookered ball into the pocket. I will never ever do that ever again. The two American guys called us ‘hustlers’ and stopped playing. The very next match I potted the white several times and lost hugely.

– I don’t dislike Coventry as a place particularly, but if I am to judge an area purely on its gigs, then its full of loons. Last night’s gig, which didn’t start till 10.30pm (a mistake on everyone’s behalf really) was less than half empty, but the half that were in were bonkers. Yes, I used the word bonkers. An angry dental technician, a happy alcoholic called Helen, a man who lied about his job to pretend that he sold stolen goods, but wouldn’t give in that it was a lie, and a man called Matthew. Matthew sat in the front row, shouted about his large cock size, his fondness for bumsex and started having a fit about the fact he’d spilt his last beer. He then insisted we have a ‘Haiti’ fund to raise money for him to get another beer. His partner, a tiny lady who sat next to him, was also nuts, and as Junior Simpson rightly pointed out, they could well have featured on a Jeremy Kyle episode at some point.

– I had a Feast ice cream yesterday. They appear to have got smaller and therefore have less right to be called a Feast. For it to actually be a ‘feast’ I need to unwrap the packet and a banquet of ice cream needs to fall out, so I can eat until I am sick. Instead, I finished it in about 5 minutes. I did get brain freeze though. That was bad.

– Playing mini-golf makes you very unpolitically correct. I won’t say too much but let it be stated that no matter who you are, if you’re playing the game in front of me and Paul Byrne and you are being too slow, you will suffer some horrible slander.

– The stage at the gig last night was set up for the play that was on before us and consisted of a completely white backdrop with about 8 doors in it. I thought it would be funny to enter the stage from a different door each time. I was wrong. It wasn’t. Turns out that gag only works for Scooby Doo.

Right must dash to shout funny words at small people.

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