Lost The Plot

Today’s blog will be a short scene. Sometimes I get all dramatical on yo asses and today I’d like to share a piece with you that I like to call: How The Writers and Producers of Lost Made Season 6.

SCENE 1. INT. LOST IDEAS ROOM

THE WRITERS AND PRODUCERS OF LOST ARE SITTING AROUND A TABLE. THE TABLE IS COVERED IN EMPTY BOTTLES OF BOOZE, PACKETS OF CRISPS, POLAROID PICTURES OF FANS, AND ON A BOARD AT THE BACK, THE TIMELINE OF THE SERIES WHICH LOOKS LIKE A CHILD HAS SCRIBBLED ALL OVER IT.

JJ. ABRAHMS

So, Season 6…..

DAMON LINDELOF

Yeah. Phew. Does anyone have a clue how to end it?

THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND EVERYONE SHRUGS

DAMON LINDELOF

No, neither can I. Does anyone actually know what’s happened so far?

JEFFREY LIEBER

We’ve got the timeline….

JJ ABRAHMS

You know, like everyone does, that that timeline was a doodle from your four year son…

JEFFREY LIEBER

He’s a great doodler.

EVERYONE NODS IN AGREEMENT. JEFFREY AND DAMON HIGH FIVE.

JJ ABRAHMS

Right so….I reckon we just do it like the other seasons and get even more drunk then write whatever the fuck we like.

DAMON LINDELOF

Thank fuck. I thought you were gonna say we actually had to try and make it make sense.

JJ ABRAHMS

Hahahahhaa you fucking idiot.

EVERYONE LAUGHS BECAUSE JJ LAUGHS AND THAT MEANS THEY’RE ALLOWED TO.

DAMON LINDELOF

Seriously though, the people are expecting some answers.

JJ ABRAHMS

Here’s an answer: GET FUCKED. Hahahahah!

EVERYONE LAUGHS AGAIN

JJ ABRAHMS

There aren’t any answers Damon. You know that, I know that. There never were and there never will be. How the fuck can we write answers to something that we’ve made up whilst drunk since 2004?

DAMON LINDELOF

Yeah sorry JJ. I was just playing Devil’s Advocate you know.

JJ ABRAHMS

Its cool. Its cool.

THEY MAN HUG.

JEFFREY LIEBER

Ok, so so so, get this, how about they go back in time which is forward in time but they also have a whole different alternate universe so they are in that too.

DAMON LINDELOF

Awesome work. What’ve you been drinking?

JEFFREY LIEBER

Buckfast. Seriously, do it. It works amazingly.

DAMON GRABS A BOTTLE OF BUCKFAST, DOWNS IT IN ONE. JJ FOLLOWS SUIT.

SCENE 2: INT.LOST IDEAS ROOM. TWO HOURS LATER

EVERYONE IS VISIBLY SLUMPED IN THEIR CHAIR.

JJ ABRAHMS

…an’ then schome guys are in a big temple an’ shit…

JEFFREY LIEBER

Wheresh the temple come from? Wheresh the people come from?

JJ ABRAHMS

Who gives a fuck? Hahahahahah. An’ then the main dude does kung fu and shit…

JEFFERY AND DAMON

Hahahahahaha! Awesome!

JJ ABRAHMS

Jeffrey, Jeff, Jeff, call your son. Ask him for advice.

JEFFREY LIEBER

Yeah yeah good plan. (HE GETS HIS PHONE OUT AND QUICKLY DIALS) Hey Davy, its dad. How you doin? Yeaaah Daddy’s been drinking. Hee hee hee. What do you reckon should happen in Lost? ….Yeah. Yeah….Ok…Great. You are great. Love you son. (HE HANGS UP).

DAMON LINDELOF

What’d he say?

JEFFREY LIEBER

Get this. Lockesh actually the smoke monshter but isn’t actually Locke ‘cos Lockesh still actually dead even though we thought he washn’t.

JJ ABRAHMS

I schwear that kids amazing. Right lets get writing.

DAMON LINDELOF

Ritual first?

JJ ABRAHMS

Of course. We gotsta have the ritual first.

THE THREE OF THEM SPREAD ALL THE PICTURES OF THE FANS OUT OF THE TABLE AND TAKE IT IN TURNS TO PULL THEIR TROUSERS DOWN AND SHIT ON THEM. THEY ALL LAUGH WHILE DOING THIS, AND HIGH FIVE SEVERAL TIMES.

ALL IN UNISON

Fuck the fans for they are all dicks!

DAMON LINDELOF

Hey guys!

JJ AND JEFFREY

Yeah?

DAMON LINDELOF

We so gotta end it all as just a dream. That’d really make them mad. Hahahahahah.

THEY ALL LAUGH AND HIGH FIVE.

This blog is based on actual events. I’m sure I will continue to watch this series of Lost, even though I really wish I wasn’t. Its just horrible. I can only assume that this is what it feels like to be addicted to cosmetic surgery or funerals or something wrong like that. Hurry up and end Lost, so I can have some life back. Thanks.

Last night Rosin told me I stormed the gig at the DWP because over 50% of them were paying attention. I wish all gigs operated on these standards. It would mean I stormed at least 10% of all my gigs ever. Or maybe a bit less. Anyhow, tonight I’m in Derby supporting the One Man Lord Of The Rings show. I can only assume I’ve been picked because the Hobbit is the prequel.

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