3 Daaaammmnnnn Biatch

I quite liked Avatar. I wasn’t entirely sure I would but it contained all the things I like in films: guns, robots, dragons, arrows, fighting, boobs and blue people. Essentially with this criteria there are very few films that have really fulfilled ‘ideal film’ status for me since the Smurf Special in 1987 and that was banned due to the bit with a half naked Smurfette with guns killing robots. I’m not going to talk about Avatar because you’ve seen it. Everyone ever has seen it now I think and me and Layla were definitely last to see it ever. Sure the cinema was full, but they’d all probably seen it six times and we were definitely definitely the last people to catch it. If by some chance you haven’t seen it yet, then you are even more uncool than us. But just incase here’s my quick synopsis of what happens: Big blue dudes good. They sex with wormy hair. Human dudes bad. They go inside transformers. Arrows in face. Dead.

Hope that helps. Avatar was also the first film I’ve seen in 3D. Well not the first film. I got to see that weird Michael Jackson one at the Epcot centre in Disneyworld when I was about 8, but trust me, Jacko reaching out to touch you is terrifying enough that you will remove the glasses several times during the course of the film. There is also a bit with clowns that made most of the kids in there cry with fear. Disney! When will you learn clowns are created by adding evil to face paint? So with all that in mind, last night was the first one, and definitely the first one with this new ‘Real 3D’ stylee. I can’t help but feel ‘Real 3D’ is the sort of title that mean its purposefully curling one out over all the previous red eye/blue eye technology. Sure it looked like one half of your face had taken drugs while the other side had died, but it started it all and I think this new one should pay some sort of homage. Perhaps it should be renamed ‘3D Jr’, or, and admittedly unrelated, I prefer ‘3Daaaamnnnn Biatch!’ I realise that as little relevance to anything, but I just want to hear people saying that when they ask for tickets to 3D films.

I like 3D, thats what I decided. Before last night I totally couldn’t work out what bits of shots were in front of other bits of shots and I truly believed that outside of the shot of say, someone’s torso, their legs existed. But now, with 3D, as that torso zooms out towards you, you know they didn’t have any legs at all. I would like more films in 3D now, but there must be some rules. For example if like they did with blu-ray, they start 3Ding old films then nothing with Barbara Streisand in please, or that nose will scare people and nothing like Boogie Nights for obvious reasons. I’m hoping that the next step after 3D has got to be things actually coming out of the screens and interacting with you like a less shit Last Action Hero. We can only hope for dinosaurs to jump out and eat some irritating teenage kids who insist on talking all the way through or perhaps for anyone from a Richard Curtis to slowly walk through the audience allowing us to slap them a lot for reading such smultzy lines. Yes, smultzy is a word, as of now. You contest? Well, what do you think it means? Yep. It means that. I win. Its a word.

In other news: I bought some jeans yesterday. As my life gets ever closer to middle age, I tend to buy all my jeans from Gap to symbolise just how dull and boring my existance is. These new jeans are of exactly the same shape and size as all my other Gap jeans, so I didn’t bother trying them on. Why would I? Instead I bypassed the woman on the till who could only say the words ‘thankyyyeeeewwww’ a lot in a voice that would have irritated Joey Lauren Adams (look her up, hear her voice, understand), and took them home. And guess what? They don’t fit. Well fuck you Gap. I relied on you for steadfastness and you’ve mocked me. You’re perhaps thinking that maybe my waist has got bigger? Well actually, its still exactly the same tubby shape with no change whatsoever. This means Gap has changed and as far as I’m concerned this is war. Maybe next time I go in I’ll change all their receipt paper size. See how they like it. Or swap all their coat hangers for toothpicks. Yeah, how’d you like that? Or I might just take them back and get one size up. Sigh.

One thought on “3 Daaaammmnnnn Biatch

  1. I don't know about gap, but Topshop change their sizes periodically, (the only place I can get 36in leg jeans)I haven't changed waist size or weight in about 4 or 5 years, but I've got from size 12 to size 16 jeans.I know they change them, because topshop list them as "34/36 Size 14 etcetera, so I KNOW it's lies.Stupid jeans purveyors.

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