Cat vs Tree

Current tree versus cat scores stand today at:

Cats (aka Rosie and Bella): 8 baubles(four smashed, another four detached and lost for sometime before we could find them again)

Tree: 1 (slightly disgruntled cat when bauble fell on her head as she knocked it off the tree)

Its fair to say the cats are winning so far and I’m beginning to regret buying a tree in the first place. What I should have done instead is just buy a scratching post and draw some mistletoe on it. I feel that would’ve caused less damage and provided the cats with what they actually want. They are tiny machines of destruction, furballs of mayhem, felines of hell. Its lucky I don’t believe in Santa anymore otherwise I would live in fear that a) he wouldn’t be able to get into our flat due to a lack of chimney and b) that once he arrived his knees would be shredded to pieces by Rosie and Bella. I’m not sure how you deal with behavourial problems in animals. To be fair its only really one of our cats. Bella has become increasingly fat and lazy and is less interested in attacking festive objects than just eating and eating. She has tried to eat the Christmas tree but quickly noticed that pines are not that edible and apart from the odd erratic nibble at one of the lower branches, has generally left it alone. It’s Rosie thats the problem. She hasn’t grown much since being a kitten which I think is ace, but is possibly a bit sad amongst the cat community. She also still behaves like a kitten and I’m starting to wonder if she’s a bit special needs. She is still amazed by anything shiny and anything that moves. The baubles are shiny and when she hits them, they swing. This puts them in the prime position for cat rage. Poor baubles. Designed for enjoyment instead they are unwittingly like a small rotund shiny red rag to a tiny hornless angry bull.

However I am starting to side with the cats. In an attempt to make the whole room festive, Layla has hung further decorations from our garden door (this looks nice) and from the lights in the living room including a large bauble that hangs slightly too low into the centre of our living room. As a result I have no banged my head on it roughly 12 times. I am considering untieing it and rolling it under the sofa claiming that Rosie has superhuman abilities and is able to leap 5 foot up from the ground. Then we will spend years taking her to Britain’s Got Talent type shows in order to showcase such abilities, only for her to tear Piers Morgan’s knees off and we will be hailed as champions.

Fat Tuesday was brilliant last night. There was a low point where just before the gig the spotlight didn’t work. As I had walked there in order to have some booze, I had to jump in a cab back to mine just to get the spare bulb. The cab driver took the longest time possible in order to get to mine and talked only in mumbles. I presume that all cab drivers may now be employing such tactics to avoid being blamed for claims that start wars. Surely now knowing that the WMD 45 minutes claim was all from a cabbie and as it was stated ‘some of the other claims were just lies’, it should now be evident it was an illegal war the whole time? It also failed to mention how in the rest of the dossier it included a racist gag and a map of Baghdad with the longest route round it drawn on and assurance it was definitely the fastest way to the airport.

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