My cats have chewed through my new pair of £25 headphones. Its one of those moments where they have no discernible excuse as to why I might let them off such a thing. The only way I would let them off from doing such a heinous pet crime is if one of these reasons was valid:
1) The headphones suddenly became a threat to the household. They were slowly crawling through the living room, in an attempt to get to my bedroom and strangle me for all the times I’d incorrectly wrapped them around my iPod or let other people listen to something via them instead of making them use their own set and they were sick of being headphone whores.
2) All the music I would have listened to via my headphones contained evil subliminal messages that would have led me to assassinate TV legend Phillip Schofield causing Holly Willoughby also to die as she would be so stressed by knowing she did not have enough talent to carry This Morning by herself. This would then lead to a whole army of restless daytime TV viewers who due to such anger at dire AM TV would start to spend their mornings picking off those going to work as vengeance that their days are spent more productively. Eventually there would be a full scale war between the dossers and workers, neither of which would be particularly good at fighting – the dossers too weak from sitting on sofas, the workers too busy to train up – and everyone would die.
3) The headphones were covered in cat food.
4) The headphones were being worn by another cat and my cats tried to get them back, sadly damaging them in the process but saving dignity for me and my audio devices.
5) My cats have an eye/brain problem and thought they were two minuscule mice held together with string.
None of these are possible. 1) couldn’t have happened because the headphones were tucked into my bag and mostly remained tucked into my bag when I found them. Unless they were moving very slowly, I suspect this is unlikely. 2) is implausible only because I have over 12000 songs on my iPod (which I have renamed the tPod. See what I did there?) and for them all to contain subliminal messages saying the same thing would require a global conspiracy between musicians everywhere. I’m not saying they didn’t, as they might well have done but chances are they’ve got more things to worry about such as illegal downloading and whether or not their songs will be ruined by someone on X-Factor. 3) They weren’t. 4) The headphones have inner earpieces that would make it difficult to fit into the ears of a feline. Not only that but for a cat with no proper opposable thumbs, putting said earpieces into the ears would be one hell of a task. If they has achieved such a thing, I’d hope my cats had respected such a feat and left them alone. Especially as then then would have had a huge problem selecting tracks on my ipod with their paws. 5) This is possible. They are complete fucking idiots. So I’m really not happy and now my music experience has been hampered.
As if it wasn’t marred enough in the first place. My stereo is refusing to play any CD’s, bringing up a chirpy message on the LED display saying ‘No Disc’ even though I have just put a disc into it. I’m not sure if its playing some sort of terrible mind game with me but trying to make me question whether or not I have actually put a disc in, or if its suffering some kind of existential nightmare where it is no longer certain of its place within the universe and has, as such, decided to believe that nothing is real. I have tried the clever technological techniques of taking the CD out, rubbing it vigorously on my jumper and putting it back in again, but it still does not accept its there. I’ve also tried pressing play as a forceful way of insisting the stereo tries working, but refuses to play ‘air’ CD and just give it a go. Again this all wouldn’t be such an issue if my laptop hadn’t also decided to reject 4 out of 5 CDs that I put into it. It doesn’t even play the mind games of pretending the CD doesn’t exist. Instead it just makes some sort of noise that sounds like a robot struggling with constipation before spitting the CD out with such venom like a Venus fly trap that’s discovered its not a fly its tried to devour but a raisin. I know that doesn’t really make sense. We all know Venus fly traps loves raisins, but the one I was thinking of is allergic to them. So there. Any so I am left with a gargantuan collection of CDs and nothing to play them on. Its the technological revolution. iTunes is to blame. Steve Jobs has clearly snuck into my house and given my stereo mind drugs and my laptop, er, raisins, in order for me to download more. Well Steve your plan has been scuppered by my cats. Why would I download music when I can’t listen to any of it via my headphones?
Oh. Maybe that’s why they did it. Thanks cats.
PS yes today’s blog title is very very tenuous. I don’t care. There I said it.