Mr Men(tal)

I’m reduced to wearing my Mr.Silly tshirt today. I was and still am a huge fan of the Mr.Men but I can’t help but feel that a comic wearing a Mr.Silly tshirt is like one of those losers at parties who introduces themselves as being ‘wacky’ then instantly proves themselves to be the most boring bastard you’ll ever meet. Its already stating what the audience assume so there is no need to overdo it. In the same way I will never walk on stage wearing a tshirt that says, ‘I’m bloody funny I am’, as I may as well just heckle myself. I find tshirts with motifs and sayings tend to give people a pre-supposed assumption of you, and the Mr.Men and Little Miss ones are possibly the worst. Here’s how to translate them all:

Mr Tickle – Pervert
Mr Greedy – Fat Fucker that laughs about being big and cheery but is quickly dying of coranary problems
Mr Happy – overly optimistic prick
Mr Nosey – stalker and voyeur
Mr Sneeze – has swine flu
Mr Bump – once ran over a child while drink driving
Mr Snow – dandruff / excema problems
Mr Messy – shits himself
Mr Small – no comment
Mr Daydream – constantly stoned
Mr Forgetful – constantly stoned
Mr Lazy – fat and constantly stoned
Mr Jelly – erectile dysfunction problems
Mr Funny – once shaved his friends eyebrows off in their sleep and is now convinced he’s a comedian
Mr Bounce – Fat and asking for a punch
Mr Muddle – Alzheimer’s
Mr Impossible – will at some point get too drunk, climb something they shouldn’t and will fall off and die
Mr Strong – struggles to carry the shopping. Also see Mr Small
Mr Grumpy – ironically optimistic prick
Mr Clumsy – will trap your hair in his flies at least twice and break all your favourite things.
Mr Quiet – will at some point be found guilty of serial murders
Mr Rush – premature ejaculator
Mr Nonsense – see my above description of wacky. Either that or bought for them by a mean carer.
Mr Wrong – under the thumb. That tshirt has been bought for him by his girlfriend
Mr Skinny – eating disorder
Mr Clever – has no friends
Mr Slow – stupid as fuck
Mr Brave – see Mr Impossible
Mr Perfect – prick
Mr Cool – has even less friends than Mr Clever

Little Miss Naughty – slut
Little Miss Neat – OCD
Little Miss Sunshine – endlessly quotes happy American films till you vomit
Little Miss Tiny – flat chested
Little Miss Trouble – is below the age of consent, no matter how old she looks
Little Miss Giggles – idiot
Little Miss Helpful – always in the way of bloody everyone and everything
Little Miss Shy – has even less friends than Mr Clever and Mr Cool
Little Miss Twins – bi-polar
Little Miss Chatterbox – the sort of person who will not ever shut the fuck up despite saying nothing of any use
Little Miss Ditzy – idiot
Little Miss Late – gives you the phone call about child care support that you really dont want to hear
Little Miss Lucky – should really be dead by now despite your attempts
Little Miss Tidy – Welsh
Little Miss Greedy – fat
Little Miss Stubborn – frigid
Little Miss Fun – filthy
Little Miss Contrary – you are never right
Little Miss Somersault – really filthy
Little Miss Scary – so filthy its terrifying
Little Miss Bad – frigid, but will tell everyone she’s filthy
Little Miss Whoops – incontinence problems

That should stop the market for those tshirts methinks.

Last night at We Are Klang’s DVD recording, a man sat two seats away from me and tweeted a hello because he was to afraid to say an actual hello. This worries me for two reasons. Firstly I do not think I’m remotely scary. I’ve often looked at myself in the mirror and tried to pull faces to scare myself but it never works. I’m only a little dude and I’m sure that if you were to meet me in a dark alley at night, you’d probably give me a patronising hug and then try and help me find my parents. So for this man to be scared of me is a bit worrying. Unless of course he has achondroplasiaphobia, in which case I understand. He has since tweeted back and said it was incase it wasn’t me. This is also scary because what if there are Tiernan imposters out there? I can’t be having Douieb Look-a-likes roaming the streets hoping to incur random tweets? I suggest to you all that if you see a Tiernan doppelganger, please punch them in the face and tell them to back away from the Douiebness. Please also triple make sure its not me. I like my face.

The other reason I’m worried by the tweet greeting, or tweeting (that doesn’t work), is that does it mean its the end of saying hello to people you know? Could this escalate to whole introductions at parties being done via tweeting? ‘Hi @soandso meet @soandso at #myparty’. Thats not how it should be. Will people chat each other up in bars from across the room just by twitpic-ing a wink or a kiss? I say as much as I love the virtual mania, lets all just go back to saying hello to people if you want to say hello to them. Make society a bit more friendly again. Unless its a Tiernan doppelganger or some wanker in a Mr Men tshirt. Then just punch them.

We Are Klang we brilliant last night. Haven’t seen them live in ages and think they’re truly at their best when just having fun on stage. The DVD should be brilliant. I’m now off to drive to Exeter and back by myself because the world hates me.

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