Completely Nuts

I slept in till about 1pm today. I feel a bit ashamed of this as I had planned to get up a bit earlier and do lots of stuff, but instead I went to see Tom and Nat after my gig last night, stayed until 4am and consequently have slept my day away like a pig. A sleepy sleepy pig. A slig. There is only one remedy to this. I have decided the only thing to do is declare that it is still morning till at least 3pm. I hope you’ll conduct this change of the entire concept of time. If you live somewhere where it is still the morning, then please just put your clocks 5 minutes back so that I can regain control of where you live as well. I’m not being a megalomaniac or anything, I’m just being a megalomaniac. There is no anything about it. I have also decided that the entire history of the world started at 11pm on Jan 9th 1981 as that was when I was born. If you existed before that then consider yourself a lot younger than you thought you were. This does of course confuse how it was possible for my parents to conceive me, but as with all creation of the world type tales, there is a large amount of plot holes. We shall just ignore all reason and start from 1981. If any of you want to dispute this then you will be shot with a gun from the early 1900’s just to mess with your mind. We will tell you the gun doesn’t exist. It will make your brain sad. I’m a brilliant dictator me. This is what happens when I get up late. Innocent people suffer. You had all better give me a wake up call tomorrow or I’ll make you all pay for water and air like in a petrol station, but for actual water and air. When you wake up, if you don’t put £2.50 into a Tiernan meter then you can’t start breathing or we’ll hit you with a stick from 1743. It will be an old stick and it will crumble to dust when we hit you with it, so then we will have to hit you with another one. Its best just to pay the fine or you will be stuck there for ages and covered in non-existant dust.

Enough of this madness. I was going to tell you about yesterday afternoon when I went for tea with a friend. I don’t want you to think I go for afternoon tea a lot, as I don’t. In fact I hadn’t had one in at least 10 years until I went to Betty’s Tea Rooms a few weeks ago and it was quite random that my friend James wanted to go for tea yesterday. It appears tea is cool again. You hear that kids? Next time you’re thinking of going to a grime club or whatever else you young uns do, pull those baggy trousers up and get the tea strainer out instead. James had been surfing the website afternoontea.co.uk and had decided that Franco’s in Jermyn St was the place to go. Pretty fancy stuff and again I had that terrible feeling of being somewhere I probably shouldn’t belong. God forbid what it’ll be like when I rule the planet and have to sit in my throne room drinking only the finest port. I’ll probably feel well awkward. If I do, one of you will pay and be poked at with a piece of sponge from 1822. Anyway, James is one of these people that is allergic to anything – cats, fish and nuts. Nuts especially but fish a bit and cats a small amount. Should anyone ever invent a catfish nut then James would die instantly just from seeing a picture of it. I can’t really understand the allergy thing. My immune system is hella good and I don’t think I’m susceptible to much. Nuts – I’ll take ’em down. Lactose – I’m so tolerant to that. Gluten – I still don’t know what that is no matter how many times people tell me. Ebola – bring it on fuckers! Actually, don’t. Thanks. James had pre-warned Franco’s when we booked that he was allergic to nuts and they had this on their computer screen when they arrived. Still however they didn’t check any of the cakes they had brought with the tea and so we had to ask to double check. The cicones were full of pistachios apparently, but we were informed everything else was safe for James to have. Being a true gent and superhero I quickly ate both cicones to make sure there was no risk. Then I eat a small green ball with some creamy stuff in and thought ‘hang on this is pretty good’, immediately telling James to try one as they were great. He picked it up, confident in the knowledge that it was nut-free, then bit into it. There was a sudden look of realisation as he swallowed half of what I now like to call the ‘green death’, as we both clicked the greeness was all pistachio nut. We called the waiter over who confirmed it was indeed nut and he’d just forgotten to say, and an ambulance was called. I’ve never seen anyone go into anaphylactic shock before and I have to say a little bit of it is amusing. Before it gets dangerous, the tongue swells a little and the victim speaks like a total doofus. Then the tongue swells even more, and suddenly them saying ‘Etth nnneeeedd ambuhhhlahhhnncethhh’ goes from being really funny to a little bit worrying. The ambulance arrived and James was shoved into the back while I was told to wait inside with all our bags but also the cakes and tea. I felt a bit left out and I contemplated eating all the cakes, going into a hyperglycemic attack and then I’d get to have a ride in the ambulance as well. I’ve never been in one and that would’ve made my day. After that all I’d have had to do is commit arson and get to go in a fire engine and I’d have sat in all the emergency vehicles (please note: AA truck doesn’t count). Luckily James was alright and the restaurant gave us our tea for free due to them nearly killing James, which was nice I suppose. Especially as I spent some time working out how I’d approach paying the bill. ‘Hello. How much is the bill for you causing my friend to have an anaphylactic shock? And here’s a generous tip because he didn’t die.’

So a lot of excitement for one afternoon. To top that off I finally bought new headphones. The man in HMV tried to sell me an extended warranty. I asked him what it covered but it did not include ‘cats chewing through the wires’ so I declined. I am now keeping said headphones as far away from the cats as possible. If they find them then I will have to assume mice have got into the wires.

Two more things:

Firstly huge huge kudos to the excellent Andrew Lawrence, who last night saved the comedy gig I was at. The headliner for ED Comedy failed to show up last night and Andrew, despite having just done a 20 in the middle of the section, came back on as an emergency headliner and did a whole different 20 mins to rapturous applause. Damn good things.

Secondly, there was a man at the gig who was wearing shorts. He was not a Geordie, Aussie, athlete, explorer, shorts salesman or someone who’s trousers had shrunk in the wash. No. He was merely a weather maverick. Well done him.

Thirdly, I’m on Talksport Radio tonight around midnight. Midnight in New Tiernan Time will be about 4pm in the afternoon. I’m not sure who’ll be listening to Talksport at midnight on a Sunday but I’m looking forward to promoting myself to all you insomniac week wasters. I’m not sure what I’ll be talking about but it won’t be sport, that’s for sure. Even if they try and make me. I’m also intending to go in my pajamas. I will check if they have a webcam first.

Enjoy the rest of your morning. If any of you state otherwise expect a visit from the Tiernan police who will be quick to make things nasty with a sundial from the early 12th century.

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