Here are some thoughts for Friday:
– I am home. I’m home for more than a few hours. This is brilliant. I can start to pretend I live here again instead of spending my life like some sort of service station enthusiast. I don’t know if those people exist, but I really hope they don’t, as there is very little to be enthused about on such subject matter.
– Since being home, Layla has put some butterfly hooks in our bathroom to hang towels on. They look nice but are factually incorrect. A single butterfly would not be able to hold up an entire towel by itself. It would be crushed under the weight. I suggested something more sturdy, like a small vole hook.
– Last night I nearly killed a fox on the drive back. Instead I waited and did it in the comfort of my of my own home instead. (This is a joke. Just not a very good one)
– Nandos Extra Extra Hot Sauce isn’t. There is no need for the first or even second extra. If sauce is to be that hot then I want two to three levels of regret when I eat it: Immediate, 4 hours later in my stomach, 8-12 hours later when it tries to leave my system. I do not want a small moment to just think ‘hmmm, tastes the same as the medium sauce’. Crap.
– Speaking of Nandos, is it a restaurant or a fast food chain? Make up your mind Nandos. I have to wait to be seated, but then queue up to pre-pay for food. Then I get served at my table but have to get my own drink. Make a choice. Give in and say you are a fast food chain so I only have to exchange contact with your greasy staff once during the entire dining process, or be a restaurant and make sure all the staff stop looking so bloody suicidal.
– Zombieland is brilliant. Thoroughly enjoyed from start to finish. Woody Harrison is great, as is the other main bloke who’s name I can’t even be bothered to Wikipedia at the moment. Also a great cameo, and I think I’m a bit in love with Emma Stone. However, as great a film as it is, I think Zombieland would be a terrible theme park.
– The gig in Bradford was great. Its a shame the staff at the Alhambra Theatre haven’t developed any further sense of worth or care since last Friday. Once again there was no house music and the audience arrived in silence and sat in silence before the show and during the interval. Jim asked the sound man why on earth he didn’t have any house music. The overly cocky response was ‘its not my job to have music, I’m the sound man.’ He completely failed to understand that music is sound, then proceeded to sit in his little box and do nothing as the microphones fucked up all through my act and then through Jim’s. I think he presumed his job was for everyone to say he was a ‘sound bloke’ and then he just sits there touching himself and being miserable. This was combined with none of the staff knowing how many audience were in and complaints that I asked for a drink as ‘they were only allowed one comps drinks per show’. I’m starting to wonder if they’d be happier if they just didn’t ever have any shows in there and they all just moped about like a bunch of reprobates.
– Luckily, the crowd made up for this by being brilliant. This week’s retort that I will never get to use again, but was proud of, is: I asked a man in the front row what he did as a job. He said he was a mum. I then told him that he’s definitely no MILF. High fives all round. Thanks thanks I’m here all week.
– I get to gig with Michael Smiley tonight. Lots of people gig with him all the time, but I’ve never gigged with him before and he played Tyres in Spaced. This means I may get a bit giddy and stupid.
– Suggestions for what I can do for the Halloween show tomorrow please? Debating pirate costume, zombie costume, zombie pirate costume, or just not really caring because I think its all six piles of balls.
That is all. Get on with your lives.