Face For Radio

I’ve already done a radio interview today which is pretty bloody productive for me by this time of day. Normally by now I’ve had two cups of tea, some toast, watched a bit of This Morning then shouted at Loose Women before quickly turning it off. Today however, I’ve done all of that and a radio interview. All hail Douieb the over-achiever! It was a fun interview with Annie Orthon for BBC Coventry and Warwickshire which means all of about 10 people were listening and that’s including the people on Twitter I told about it. Annie seemed very nice and asked several questions I’m very used to answering which was good. Things like ‘So I understand you did stand-up at University? That’s not a proper course is it?’ I hear that question from my parents on a regular basis. To give massive credit to the course though it was proper and included four whole essays and several bits of coursework. Oh how I enjoyed telling law students that as they studied so hard for their final exams and I lay on the campus grass in the sunshine complaining of only 4000 words to write and then no exams whatsoever. Maybe its not a proper course. Hopefully I successfully promoted the show at the Belgrade Theatre this Saturday, and I did my best not to do one swear or mention anything not allowed on the radio. I, like many people, suffer from that terrible inner demon that just wanted me to shout all the worst swears I knew in a row before hanging up. Thats what T-Demon wanted. T-Demon appears every now and then when, for example, wankers in Camden decide its ok to walk in front of me car. I stop the car and maybe shrug with disappointment. While I’m doing this though I have to hold back T-Demon’s urge to drive over them and reverse repeatedly while calling them any variety of horrible names. He also appears anytime a small animal is in close enough range to kick, or anything is nearby enough to smash. Basically he’s a vicious little twat. I’m fairly sure everything has these thoughts of ‘what would happen if…’ and I’m very pleased I never act out any of them. The reason I don’t is because I’m going to wait till I’m 70+ when I can get away with it and do all of them at once. So I didn’t do any of that.

I did however walk around in my pants while on the phone. Thats the beauty of radio. No one knew. I bet Annie was in her pants too. If I was a radio presenter, I’d only ever present in my pants. Or at least in my pajamas because it just wouldn’t matter. Maybe sometimes I’d wear a t-shirt saying ‘All my listeners are dickheads’ or something like that. I feel if your job allows you such rebellious moments, they should be indulged. The same way all news readers shouldn’t wear trousers. Except on the BBBC Breakfast News where they sit on a sofa. I’m not that up for seeing Bill Turnbull’s nads. As well as walking around in my pants I pulled several ‘unuh’ faces and did a bit of a dance. I’m brilliant me.

Last night’s Fat Tuesday was stupendously awesome with brilliant sets from shouty Michael Legge (who didn’t shout as much as he said he would), Tiffany Stevenson, Chris Addison and Milton Jones. All the audience were lovely. In fact they were so lovely that one woman in the crowd had been fired whilst working for Jordan because she had pretty much told Katy Price that she was a twat. That’s how lovely the audience were. Tonight I’m off to do Girls With Guns at the Vauxhall Tavern. Being neither a girl, nor owning a gun, I’m the token man without a weapon. I hope this doesn’t mean I’ll just be a target for all those women with AK47s. If so, I will go down in a blaze of glory and make up the most sexist material I can. Like, er,’women eh? Whats that all about?’ And other such gems of wisdom.

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